A.M.D.G.
J.M.J.

With about one more month of summer break left before I head back to the pantsuit nunnery for my final year of undergrad theology studies, I have been thinking about the future.  So, I figured that I would write them down herein so that they would serve a two-fold purpose.  For one, it is always good for me to concretely see what I have to do or discern about.  Secondly, it's always good to share one's thoughts with others in order to facilitate interpersonal dialog.  So, with all that said, let us begin.

First and foremost, I have to complete my last year of study at AQ and graduate with at least a Bachelor's in Theology.  Why no definite philosophy?  Because the Philosophy department at AQ is in dire need of regular profs and regular class schedules that allow one to complete a philosophy degree within four years.  I refuse to do anything even resembling a "victory lap" and am chomping at the bit to move on to bigger and better things.  Besides, the whole "philosophy degree" thing was more of an afterthought than anything else.  More of a nice "conversation piece" to go with the Theology degree.  I didn't give up a near full-ride to UDM for philosophy.  I gave up my near full-ride for the Theology.  Theology is the *sole* reason I am at AQ.  And all I want from that place is a nice diploma that says that I successfully completed a four year program of theological study.

Second, keep with the discernment.  That is one thing that is not making me look forward to going back up to school.  That damn dryness and isolation I get when I am up there is almost unbearable.  To help somewhat amend that, I plan on waking up early every morning and making my way to 7:30 Mass at Saint Thom's.  It won't be morning Mass at SJA, but it will be something to tide me over until I can be back at SJA.

In the spirit of the second point, I need to remain open to everything.  While right now I feel a pretty certain call to the religious life and am actively looking into orders.  I need to keep an open heart.  Just because I have been jaded and burned of late does not mean that Providence has screwed me over.  It never does.  Perhaps God does have some nice young trad Catholic guy for me?  Perhaps I shall meet him at grad school?  I don't know.  That is the wonderfully intriguing aspect of Providence that I love and yet find incredibly vexing at times.  For all I know, I could enter formation after graduation.  For all I know, I could be entering formation while in grad school.  Formation may not begin until after I get my Masters.  Formation in the consecrated life may never happen.  Maybe, and just follow me for a moment, there will be a nice young Catholic man at grad school who is in the formation process for the priesthood and maybe our real vocation could be discovered instead.  It could happen.  You never know. Providence is random (and yet not because it's God) like that.  But yeah, got to keep the open mind and heart.

After I gradumatate from AQ, I am planning on going to Sacred Heart Major Seminary for at least the first part of my graduate studies.  I want to get both my Masters in Theology and my Masters of Arts in Pastoral Studies but I am not quite sure if pursuing both those degrees at the same time is advisable  because of the course load demanded therein and other obligations I shall no doubt have at that time.  The Masters in Theology will allow me to deepen my theological knowledge; I am thinking of focusing somewhere in either moral theology or something like that.  The Masters will also allow me to teach Theology at the college level which is always a good back-up.  The MAPS will allow me to do parish work if that is what God wishes me to do.

These two things shall, hopefully, Providence depending, lead me onto two things I have desired for a long time now.  Those two things are a License in Canonical Jurisprudence (JCL) and a Sacred Theology Licentiate (STL).  The former, if I wish to stay in the States, will have to be earned with three years of study at Catholic University in DC.  If I wanted to go to Canada for some reason, I would go to Saint Paul's University in Ottawa for canon law studies.  The latter can be earned in a variety of places.  If I wanted to be really ambitious and idealistic, I would *LOVE* to go to Rome and study at the Greg where the Tall One studied.  But I still have a while before I even have to begin thinking seriously about it though as you can see, I have at least some idea of what I want to do, God willing.

With all these hopes and ambitions, I must keep one thing always in mind, and that is that Christ is the center of all I do.  Not me, not my pithy ambitions, not my desires, not my wants.  It is what He wants that matters.  His desires and will are the only things that matter/should matter to me.  Therefore, I must take every desire I have to prayer and to Christ.

Feel free to post your feedback on what I have written here.  I look forward to hearing from you all.  To all my AQ buddies, I shall see you in about a month or so!

Dio ti benedica e Maria ti protegge per sempre!
-Allie

Mood: Pensive
Location: Family Room
Music: Brooke playing Lego Indiana Jones

A.M.D.G.
J.M.J.

All right, so I was sitting in Humanities class, putzing on FB when I noticed on a friend's profile stating that something horrible had happened on campus.  From the start, I had an inkling of an idea but I wanted confirmation.  I held out a vain hope that it was not what I had thought but as usual Aquinas never ceases to make me beg God to make my graduation to get here ASAP.

What had happened, pray tell?  Well, earlier this week, the Students for Life group (fully approved by the College) did some rather awesome chalk art illustrating various prolife sayings and stats.  Totally legit.  No finger pointing.  No "down with pro-choicers."  Nothing.  Just purely innocent sayings, images, and whatnot.

From the beginning, though I liked what had been done, I maintained my usual cynical attitude about this godless wasteland named after the great pastor angelicus.  I said, "Just wait, by the end of the week, there will be coat-hangers (an altogether inaccurate and overused image for the death-mongers) and pro-choice bullshit written all over." 

The week went on without a hitch and I was starting to think that maybe, just maybe, the pro-choicers had become mildly civil.  Either that or they forgot to renew the script on their birth control and Plan B so their hormones were actually kinda on a normal level for once.  But those pro-aborts, whose hands have been not just drenched but totally permeated with the blood of millions of innocents, did not cease to make me think that my generation (At least a good amount of them) are just plain fucked up and with a really diluted view of reality and life.

My blood had begun to simmer a bit as I kept hearing more and more during class about the incident, but when I went down to see it, my heart raced and my blood came to a vengeful Sicilian boil.  Needless to say, this practicing orthodox Catholic is beyond pissed.

However, instead of getting angry the way those blood-spillers want, I have decided to channel my internal rage and energy in a more productive and *hopefully* more far-raching way.  What is it?  I have an idea but it is in its nascent stages and I need to do this in concert with my fellow SFL people, the more people in this, the more potent the action will be.  Needless to say, if this works the way I want it to, there will actually be some action taken to get AQ to grow a backbone and if the College won't do it.  Tee hee hee.  I is scheming.

They will regret crossing me.  They will regret pissing me off.  They will regret their advocacy of the proliferation of the death of countless innocents in the name of "choice" ... aka license.

There are a few principal things that really get my blood boiling about this whole thing:

One, the fact that there are people like this who advocate death as if it were a right.  I don't even want to think of how many souls have fallen into the fiery pit of Hell (forget Purgatory) over this utter desecration of God's most precious creation and His most vulnerable, human life, especially human life in the womb.  Even more disgusting to me is the fact that there are people in my generation, who though they claim to be educated, have nothing more to back-up their beliefs than a bunch of metal clothes hangers, out-dated stats, and antiquated slogans.  Above all, they have one of the most diluted views of human autonomy that I have ever seen.  Seriously.  No wonder I am such a cynic when it comes to my generation.

While not making the generalization as broad as it sounds, let me say this in conclusion to this point: "College students are the absolute unmitigated idiots (in the classic Greek sense of the word, not the popular)."  Those to whom this saying applies know who they are.  College student think that just because they have their Bachelor's in whatever means that they know everything!  That they have the power to change the world by spouting the bullshit liberal propaganda that their left-wing nutjob profs feed them for four years and they consumed completely as if it were gospel truth.  What a bunch of freaking sheep.  No wonder the world is screwed.  When you look at this generation and the big mouths who make up the vast majority of them, one cannot help but think, "Shit, this is the future of the country and the world?  Damn.  We screwed."

Second, for all you idiots at Aquinas (or any other private religious institution with whose core beliefs you disagree for that matter, if you don't like the pro-life message at Aquinas.  If you can't stand Catholics.  If you can't stand practicing Catholics who are proud to practice their faith openly and without fear or shame.  If you cannot stand Catholicism and its "repressive" and "antiquated" traditions, doctrines, and whatnot.  First, keep in mind one thing, the Church and her teachings and tradition are ageless, she does not need to update, you do.

But anyway, to all you who say or believe all the above ... if you don't like any of that ... THEN LEAVE, DAMMIT!  NO ONE IS MAKING YOUR POOR MISGUIDED SELF STAY HERE!  NO ONE IS FORCING YOUR HAND TO SIGN ONTO ANOTHER YEAR OR SEMESTER HERE!  NO ONE!!!!  IT'S ALL ON YOU!!!  You are an adult right?  Last time I checked, adults are free to choose to do things or not to do things.  You can choose to stay here.  You can choose to leave.  If you don't like it.  Leave.  If you can't stand it. Leave.  And good riddance.

Last time I checked, this was allegedly a Catholic college.  The first priority of Catholic education is and always has been the education of Catholics first and foremost in the Truth.  After that, other Christians.  And finally, non-Christians.  When I say "Catholics," I mean genuine Catholics.  Just because some celibate guy with Holy Orders poured Holy Water over your head in your infancy and recited the Trinitarian formula does not make you a full Catholic.  You have to practice it to be a true Catholic.  You don't practice it genuinely or at all or barely, then you are hardly worthy of the title "Catholic."  In fact, you are the kind of "Catholic," that make practicing Catholics like me and many of my friends look like shit.  Thanks a lot, you anathemae.  Thanks a lot.

So, either straighten up and fly right or leave!  If Catholicism is so horrible to you ... then leave.  No one is keeping you.  Apostasize already.  Not that you already haven't.  Not that you really give a shit.  Seriously.  Don't lie to me or, more importantly, don't lie to yourself.  Leave or let the actual Catholic practice their faith in peace and just keep your mouth shut.

Finally, I am sick of the double-standard.  I am sick of the fact that there can be pro-choice protests and other demonstrations of this highly anti-life/Catholic position without any administrative action being taken while the pro-life group does perfectly peaceful and non-destructive things and suddenly it needs to be repressed.  Also, I am sick of this group being scapegoated for things that we did not do.  During our first semester Right to Life Week, the library was spraypainted with "Bomb Abortion Clinics."  And, of course, before anything else happened, fingers were automatically pointed at us.  We had absolutely nothing to do with this destruction of property.  Now, we have a perfectly legit and perfectly permitted and peaceful demonstration of prolife ideals and they are defaced but is anything done?  Hell no!

Do you note something here?  Whenever the pro-choicers strike, they always destroy property.  They always deface.  It's almost always done without any clearance by the College.  We do everything over the table.  We have no closed hands.  The admins in the College can see our cards at anytime and they will see that we have nothing to hide.  We do not do "sketchy."  We do not do "shady."  We know better than to do things like that because it makes us look bad and it opens up the chance for us to be villified.  Not that it stops either.  Because it doesn't.

Now, look at the other side, they do everything under the table and it is nothing but sketchy.  It is nothing but veiled in secrecy.  But does anything happen?  Does the school do anything about it?  Hell no.  But when the SFL group does something, we are suddenly these closed-minded S.O.B.s who are anti-woman.  Most of the members of SFL are women.  And, as one of those women, none of us arae sheep.  None of us are blindly pro-life.  We have looked at both sides of the issue and we see that the pro-life stance is the better stance.  We can see from where the other side is coming.  We understand it.  Don't think for a moment that we don't.  Some of us, even the men, have experience with the issue directly.  I do.  That's for sure.

All right, I have run out of stuff about which to write ... for now.  Just know that this little Papist is scheming and it's gonna be fun!

Have a great day!

Dio ti benedica e Maria ti protegge per sempre!
-Allie

PS
Sorry if the thought pattern seems kinda weird at the end, I started this at the Moose and finished it during Medical Ethics.  If you need clarification or if you have questions, let me know.

Mood: Contemplating many different possibilities
Location: Medical Ethics
Music: Class lecture and presentations

A.M.D.G.
J.M.J.

As I was walking back to the nunnery today after lunch, I was thinking about many things.  First, the fact that I really want this week to end quickly and with loose ends all tied up and taken care of so I can get to Easter Break sooner.  Then, I was glad that my Fall Semester schedule was all ready and taken care of ... one less thing about which for me to worry.  Finally, what the heck am I doing this summer goal-wise and whatnot?

Well, I have decided that I am going to break them down here and give a brief description of each herein.  I know, you are all just so anxious to see what I am planning on doing this summer, I am glad I can add a little bit of joyous levity to your day.  Now calm your ass down and read on, if you wish.  You may even want to do this yourself.  On many occasions, I find that having things like this written down somewhere keep me accountable and give me a sense of accomplishment after having successfully completed them.

Here are my goals for this summer break:

-Improve and deepen my relationship with God through more sincere prayer and devotions and more often.  I hope to utilize the Adoration chapel at SJA this summer which will allow me to spend more time in the Real Presence of Christ.  In the end, I hope that this time and dedication to prayer and silence will lead me to a clearer view of what God wants me to do with my life because shiz has gotten confusing and harder to decipher mostly because of my own falleness and idiotic assumptions.  It isn't going to be easy but things that take much work and sacrifice are almost always the things that are most worthwhile and the sacrifice and time associated with them make them all the more valuable than things that are easily wrought.

-Work and volunteer more around SJA not just because of my job at SJA but as some of you know, I am going to be earning college credit for my work at SJA in the Spring 2010 semester which will permit me to graduate on time.  So far, I am doing my usual stuff around SJA with my position as "all purpose 'go to'" girl.  I am also going to be doing my share of fun-erals and such ... perhaps a wedding/convalidation or two.

I am also going to ask if I could accompany Sister on Communion runs and such but I know that that requires some special clearance to be given especially if it would involve me visiting a hospital or nursing home what with the Hip (sp?) Laws being what they are.  I will also have my own group of kids (hopefully with some of my servers) for Vacation Bible School.  I thoroughly enjoyed being a Crew Leader last summer and though I had to miss morning Mass for a whole week, it was great to work with the kids.  I am looking forward to the same thing happening this summer.  Some of my servers are already asking me to have them put in my group.  I tell them that I have no control over who gets put in my group, it's all up to the director/directors.

I may even get to train some new servers this summer or at least do some one-on-ones at morning Mass.  I love doing those ... it's fun to teach the kids the really in-depth stuff about being a server and the Church and such.  Perhaps teach them some Latin ... wouldn't that be nice?

-Brush up on my Latin studies since I am taking Latin next year.  Yes, after trying to varying degrees of success over the past four or so years to teach myself Latin, I am finally going to be taking formal Latin classes!  I must admit that I have not cracked the binding on my "Primer of Ecclesiastical Latin" book in a very long time but the stuff that I have learned will probably come back to me rather fast.  I also want to have a bit of a headstart on my Latin studies so I am not totally in the dark when classes resume in August.  These two semesters of Latin will give me some good background (hopefully) for my required Latin studies in grad school at SHMS.

-Speaking of grad school at SHMS, I need to start prepping for that wonderful test known as the GRE.  When I brought it up to the Tall One he groaned and mumbled stuff under his breath.  He said that he hated that thing.  Crap, if he hated it, how the heck am I going to do it?  Meh, I shall just have to study and prepare my Catholic arse off so that I do well and hopefully get that lovely piece of letterhead that says that I have been accepted into the graduate program at SHMS for attaining an MA in Theology (leaning toward Moral Theology) and/or MAPS (Master of Arts in Pastoral Studies ... allows me to do parish work).  Yeah, I am probably going to get some of those GRE prep guides and so other stuff to help me get ready for it.  I figure the more time I give myself to prep, the better chance I have of doing well.

Well, those are my four priniciple goals for the summer.  I have a few other secondary and even tertiary goals for the summer but I shall not bore you anymore than I already have.  I am going to get back to my reading and such ... I have a rather busy week ahead of me and then after that, Easter Break starts on Holy Tuesday!  Whootz for Triduum at SJA!!!  Whootz!!!  : )

Have a great day!

Dio ti benedica e Maria ti protegge per sempre!
-Allie

Mood: Content with things overall
Location: Saint Aloysius' Retreat at the Pantsuit Nunnery
Music: WJR streaming over Aloysius ... funz!!!

A.M.D.G.
J.M.J.

Well, I have my Fall 2009 schedule set for the most part.  I am planning on adding a one credit tech course to get my course load to about 17 hours.  If I were to add 3 credit that would put me at 19 and that is something I want to avoid unless I absolutely must.

Here is my tentative schedule for Fall 2009:

Mondays:
-PH 248 Catholic Intellectual Tradition 9:25-10:40
(Father Chukwu is teaching this class so I am looking forward to this.  He taught my Philosophical Anthropology class last year)
-HY 214 Gilded Age and Progressive Era 10:50-12:05
(I have not taken a history class yet and I am interested in this era in history)
-LN 101 Latin I                                                 1:40-2:55
(I AM FINALLY TAKING LATIN!!!!!!  AMEN!!!!)
-TY 255 Catholic Social Teaching                3:05-4:20
(Marshall talked me into this one.  Kelly is taking it too so it will be fun.  Marko is teaching it so it will definitely be a blast!)

Tuesdays:
Nothing unless my added class is scheduled for this day.  After having a Monday like that, I freaking deserve it.  Dang.  I am going tobe one busy s.o.b.

Wednesdays:
-PH 248 Catholic Intellectual Tradition 9:25-10:40
-LN 101 Latin I                                            1:40-2:55

Thursdays:
-HY 214 Gilded Age and Progressive Era 10:50-12:05
-LN 101 Latin I                                                 1:40-2:55
-TY 255 Catholic Social Teaching                3:05-4:20

Fridays:
Nothing unless my added class is scheduled for this day.  Yes, I have Fridays off so far.  I rock.

Select Saturdays:
-TY 147 Catholic Vision                                   9:00-12:30

Look at that Monday.  Damn.  That is going to be funz!!!

BTW, in case you are not aware, I was told last week that I had to somehow earn 37 credit hours in two semesters.  This is after being told for about three years that I have been on the right track to graduation in May 2010 and could just stay on the course that I have been following with carrying an average of 15-16 credits a semester.

Since I totally refuse to be a super senior and since I *am* (God willing) going to be in my first year of grad school at SHMS in Detroit and thus back home and not in GRap, I am working toward getting that fixed up.  One probable possibility is getting some credits for my work at SJA which is really something the head of the Theology department and I have been tossing around but we never really got around to it until now.  Pray that that works out so I can be a happy college grad a little over a year from now.  Thanks!

All right, I have other fish to fry and things that need to be taken care of before the end of the week!  I can't wait until Holy Tuesday!  Sister Allie is coming home for Easter Break!!!  Whootz!!!  : )

Dio ti benedica e Maria ti protegge per sempre!
-Allie

Mood: Determined to get all this shiz done with minimum bloodshed and crying Baby Jesuses
Location: The Moose chillaxing with Kelly
Music: Rush Limbaugh on WJR streaming on Aloysius.  Yes, I am an evil libertarian conservative and damn proud!

J.M.J.
A.M.D.G.

Well, today at Mass I experienced something I have not experienced up here (GRap) in such a way in a while.  As I was kneeling in my pew at Mass at Saint Izzy's this morning (Happy Lætare Sunday btw) preparing to receive Holy Communion, my heart was filled with a peace that if I were to liken it to a cheesy image, it would be like God stilled the unsureness and fear of my heart like a pool of disturbed water, and stilled it with one gentle touch.

That is literally how it felt and it felt like something I have not experienced up here at school very often.  The last time I had this kind of feeling of peace was before Spring Break when I was worried about something else and while I was praying my Breviary, something told me to put it down for a second.  After I put it down, I heard in my heard something that was almost a distinct inner voice, "Everything is going to be all right, Allie.  Don't worry."  It was a motherly voice and therefore I came to the conclusion that Mary had relieved my fears and she had rather quickly.  Because the next day, the whole issue was resolved to a great extent.  But there is more to that story than I care to share here.  Needless to say, no matter how much I may be telling myself otherwise, it still hurts like hell.  Thankfully, that feeling is dying and is being replaced with either  cold (almost heartless) stoic apathy or holy resignation depending on my mood.

But anyway, back to this morning.

After that happened, I approached to receive Communion.  As the Sacred Host touched my tongue it was as if all my senses were focused on this little piece of transubstantiated wheat flour and water that was melting on my tongue.  As I slowly brought Him back to me and swallowed Him (I don't chew Hosts), I felt a lifting in my heart that I had not felt since I last recieved Communion back at SJA the previous Sunday.  When I was home for break, I went to Mass every day at least once.  One day, I recieved Communion three times.  Had something not been cancelled at the last minute pretty much it would have been four but things are better in odd numbers.  Everyday I received Communion.  Everyday I received special sacramental grace.  Then suddenly, it gets cut off cold turkey.  My soul does not like enduring that. 

That is why I think I have been so off lately.  Usually, one can tell how I am doing spiritually by my external actions, attitudes and choices.  If I am spiritually dry/"dead," then don't expect me to be in a good mood or necessarily be myself action and choice-wise.  On the other hand, when I am going to Mass everyday and praying my Office as I ought and following through with my spiritual resolutions, it's the opposite.  During those times, you are more likely to see the real me.  That is why I tell many people up at school that I am not fully myself at times.  Because when I up here, part of me is missing or not around as much as I woud like/need.

I need daily Mass.  I need Communion.  I need that grace.  More than anything.  More than any degree I could get for myself.  More than any person could do for me.  Exponentially more than I could ever do for myself.  I need Christ in my life.  In everything.  But why does my life not portray that which it knows it should?  Because I am an idiotic moron who is too damn afraid of what people will think of me rather than just doing what I know is right and using my will and conscience appropriately.

With all this in mind, I recall now my vocation discernment.  I have a good idea of what I need to be truly happy.  I am getting gradually closer to having a vague idea of figuring out to which vocation to which I am called.  But ... there are things that are keeping me from attaining my end.

All those things have their root in two things.  Me and my stupid stupid fear.  I am not making a laundry list of my flaws and such.  I trust that since you are reading this, you have more additional flaws than I could list.  I have many many many flaws.  I am not saying this to sound like some pious "humble" church lady.  That is as far from the truth as it could ever be.  I am just stating things as they are.  I am a very very very fallen creation of my Father in Heaven and it is only through His grace that I can even try to change that.

But anyway, back to the other thing, my stupid fear.  Or it is really stupid?  Perhaps some of it is stupid and others are well-founded.  One has been bugging me quite a bit of late.  Probably due mostly in part to my loneliness up here and my feelings of isolation.  But anywho, the one fear that has been sticking out to me in my discernment is this: I will have no one to call my own in the sense that when I go to bed at night, I will be alone when I go to sleep and alone when I wake up.  I'm sorry but that kinda scares me.  There are cold nights up here and even at home when I wish I had a set of nice strong Catholic arms holding me close and keeping me warm at night.  Of course, those arms would be part of a nice trad Catholic man who can take the crazy entity that is me.  I can't help but feel a kind of peace when I think of that happening to me.

But yeah.  That is one thing that really plagues me.  I think, "If I were to become a sister, I would never have that."  I try to dispel that fear because it is affecting my holy indifference toward my vocation discernment but it still remains.  It hits me every night I am up here and its painful to think about at times.  I think it's because of the whole woman thing.  I don't care what other say, there is something in a woman that naturally directs her to want to find a man and have children with him (within wedlock of course.)  It just depends on how one chooses to show it.  Some ne'er show it.  While others cleave to the nearest man and when that one does not work, move onto the next prospective victim ... err ... candidate.  I am really neither of those.  I may act crazy but really deep down, I am very contemplative when it comes to long-term decisions like this because those things by their nature are going to effect my life in a more dramatic and long lasting way.

But yeah, that's what has been scaring me lately.  Call me weak.  Call me petty.  Call me a worry wart.  Call me anything.  I am who I am and that is all I know how to be.  Get used to it.  Can't deal with me?  Meh.  Qualunque cosa.

Not really looking forward to the next 2.5 weeks.  I am getting through them because I have to in order to get to Holy Week Break.  I am going home on Holy Tuesday and that day, I shall be back home where I belong.  Not up here where no matter how much time I spend here, I will always feel like a foreigner like someone who does not belong here.  My heart is back in Detroit/metro-Detroit where everything I have grown to love is especially SJA.  That place is the best place for me to go when my spiritual batteries need a good recharge and for some reason, they got drained really fast this time around so right now I am getting the "low spiritual battery" alert in my heart and I know that I can get "fill-ups" (don't you love the consistency of this metaphor?) at places like Saint Izzy's which is like my SJA away from home but nothing gives me a "full spiritual charge" like being at SJA.  That is why it hurts so dang much to leave it for even a little.   A large part of me is there and when I leave it behind, I cease to be truly whole.

Well, if that was not a random note, I don't know what is.  But I needed to vent a bit so it was not written in vain.  I have to print out my Catholic Writers paper and then get ready for bed.  I am exhausted and I still have to get ready for bed and pray Vespers and Compline.  I can't wait until Triduum at SJA ... that will be a great relief for my tired soul.

Buonanotte, care amici en Cristo!

Dio ti benedica e Maria ti protegge per sempre!
-Allie

Mood: Exhausted in every sense of the word and longing for the sweet salvation that is Holy Triduum at SJA.
Location: Saint Aloysius' Retreat at the Pantsuit Nunnery
Music: Encore Broadcast of the Pope's Visit to Angola streaming on EWTN

A.M.D.G.
J.M.J.

I have finally figured it out!  Finally!  It took a lot of heartache and a deep interior depression that still remains but I have figured it out!  What have I figured out?  I have finally figured out what I have been doing wrong willingly and fully knowing that it was screwing up my relationship with God!  What is it?  I have been playing "God" with my life!

How have I been playing "God" with my life?  Well, for one, I have been making decisions influenced by something that I cannot even be sure of ... and that is: what I want.  I need to realize that I do not know what I want.  Who really does?  Who really knows what they truly want?  Sure, we may know what will make us happily in the temporal passing sense but what will make us truly happy?  What makes a person truly happy?  It isn't the pursuit of worldly glory, pleasure, or people.  True happiness is found in ultimate unification with God by means of doing His will no matter what the cost.  It's that last part that scares me ... and it should not.

I have been thinking that I know better.  That I can choose what I want to do.  I have been running away from Him and yet He has never left me.  Sure, I may be going through this period of spiritual dryness but God has not done this to me.  I have done this to myself.  He made me realize this this weekend when for a brief moment, I felt peace and serenity permeate my being.  Then the feeling left because though I may not have wanted to admit it, my heart was closed.

But now, I am slowly beginning to reopen it again.  I am doffing that which has been causing me so much heartache and pain namely my rash judgements and idiotic assumptions and I am going to throw myself headlong into the arms of my heavenly Mother.  I know she has been waiting for me because when I talked to her last night and poured my heart out to her, I felt that motherly peace that only she can give.

I am leaving everything in the hands of Mary as I should have in the beginning.  I am leaving my discernment and spirituality, my academic career, every aspect of my being that I previously thought I had given to Mary but really just put on the guise of giving it to her while in reality I was just hording it to myself and therefore messing it up big time as I have done.  I am especially giving her my friendships because I seem to be really screwing those up recently.  I hope that she can salvage those because there are few things of this world more valuable than friendships.

I also discovered my own way of letting off frustration.  Some of my friends are poetic, others musical, others artistic.  I am spiritual.  That is: usually, when things get tough, I pray.  Therefore, to that end, instead of moping about feeling sorry for myself when really I have been the source of my own sorrow and pain, I am going write prayers from the heart.

Why prayers?  Because prayer is the direct line we have to God that is never disconnected like a bad LAN or in need of constant charging like a cell phone.  All that is needed for prayer to work is a heart and soul open to the workings of Spirit and of course hope that God hears our prayer which He always does.

So, you may be seeing some of my heart-written prayers on here in the future.  To me, it is a way of letting my heart say that which it cannot verbally express.  Not that my writing abilities are any better but the only Person Who really needs to understand them is God and He's omniscient so I think I have that covered there.

I also figured out why my heart has been so heavy of late.  I have no one to talk to about spiritual matters up here like I do when I am home.  I don't like bugging Monsignor all the time and to lay any more stuff on my friends just seems selfish to me so I have been keeping it all to myself waiting in anxious anticipation for the next time I will see Monsignor because he is my spiritual father above all other things.

One last thing, I want to apologize to all my friends for all the crap I have been pulling lately.  This so-called "crap" is really my petty way of projecting externally that which has been disturbing me on the inside namely the unsurety pertaining my discernment, my interior loneliness and self-imposed spiritual dryness.  I have noted that when I get very lonely on the interior, I tend to be overbearing in my interpersonal relationships which is something I never mean to be.  But if I ever upset you in anyway by my actions, please tell me so that I can amend things for the future.  Why am I bringing this up?  Long story.  I only hope that one (those involved know about what I am talking) particular friendship can be saved because I think I could never forgive myself if it were to end like this.

All right, it's ten o'clock and I still need to print out my Humanities paper and get ready for bed.  I have been very tired of late and need to get more sleep than I have been getting.  I also need to pray my Office of Readings before I move into my usual night routine.  I am so anxious to be back at SJA for a whole week!  I miss feeling at home and at peace with life which seems to always happen when I am there.  Morning Mass will be a welcome change of pace.  Too bad it's only for a week and then back to the drudgery for eight more weeks.  Ugh.

Pray for me and know that I am praying for you!

Dio ti benedica e Maria ti protegge per sempre!
-Allie

Location: Saint Aloysius' Retreat in the Pantsuit Nunnery
Music: EWTN streaming on the Interwebz
Mood: Emotionally and physically drained, Spiritually dry, and overall just plain unsure with a hint of "God help me."

A.M.D.G.
J.M.J.

I decided that before I delve into functional kenosis theory in my Christology paper, I would take a break and do something kinda fun.

I was sitting at my desk this afternoon, looking at the SJA calendar on my wall when I realized, "Holy crap!  Lent is almost here!  Ash Wednesday is in a few days!"  I then thought: "Dang, it's almost Spring Break!" and "Where can I get me some good paczki in this land of the Dutch Reformed?"  To the former:  Heck yeah!  To the latter: some friends and I are working on that so we can fulfill our holy Catholic "obligation" to eat one of those chunks of caloric bliss on Fat Tuesday.  I'll be working that one off in the exercise in the nunnery that night.

My mind then moved to something that it has been considering for the past few weeks: What am I doing for Lent?

A few years ago, I determined that I was not just going to give something up for Lent out of rote habit every year.  My thoughts on the whole "giving up something" for Lent thing are: what is the use of giving something up if there is no spiritual growth?  So often we give up things like chocolate, favorite foods, or certain frivolous activities that we enjoy.  While that is all well and good, what growth is there for the soul that is to be gained therein?  How does giving up that one Handi-snack I eat a week (or however often one does something) going to help me grow in my relationship with God?  Do we really ever consider that anymore when choosing our Lenten practice?  Why do we seem to keep it exclusively for Lent and then after the season ends, we get right back into it?  What's the use of this forty day practice?  Why can't we continue it to the other 325/6 days of the year?

Now, before you all jump me and give me fifty different spiels on the value of Lenten sacrifice, let me tell you that I have heard it and I understand your point of view.  I understand that Lent is a special season in Holy Mother Church, in fact, it's my favorite (next to Triduum and Easter).  But why can't we treat Lent like the season it's supposed to be ... a season of growth and preparation through penance and sacrifice that ultimately leads to yearlong/lifelong growth?

My thoughts for what I do for Lent is this: What am I going to do for the God Who loves me so much, that He sent His only begotten Son to go through unknowable spiritual, physical and psychological pain and agony to die for the many many sins that I was going to commit fully knowing what happened to Him?

With that thought in mind, I decided that every year I was going to do something rather than just giving up something as can become rote custom.  I am not saying that giving something up is not legit ('cause it is) but we should put thought into what good it will do for us and others spiritually in the long and the short term.

Recently, a friend of mine said that he was told by someone this very true point on Lenten sacrifices, parahrased it goes: "We are supposed to mess up on our Lenten sacrfices.  If we don't mess up, what is the use of the sacrifice if there is no pain no matter how meager it may be."  It is by that messing up that we hopefully grow in humility, spiritual strength, strength of will, and our ability to unify our sufferings/sacrifices (no matter how small they may seem) to the sufferings and sacrifice of Christ in His Passion and Death on the Cross.

Also, if you never mess up in your Lenten sacrifice you need to a.) pick a harder sacrifice, you foo-foo sissy pants and b.) think "did I really get through Lent without one single slip up?"  Unless you are perfect (which you (and everyone else in this world) ain't) then you probably messed up at least a little bit.  The only perfect people who have ever existed are Christ and Our Lady.  Only two.  And they don't include you ... or me.  Me least of all.

Therefore, after much thought, I have decided that this year I am going to:

-Give up my rather "colorful" lexicon cold turkey with the use of a "swear jar," Monsignor's idea (25 cents per swear word).  It's a bad habit for me and I need to kick the habit because God made me an intelligent young lady and using that language makes me look like a complete and totally uneducated nincumpoop.  Each of us (and thus our actions,words, and choices) are ways of others knowing He Who created us.  For us to, at least, not be striving for perfection and self-improvement does not show very well of He Who made us.  No one is perfect but that is no excuse for falling into ruts of sin.  God expects perfection from me and I hope to attain that by His Grace.

Where's the money going?  I am either giving the money to Saint Joan to help the parish continue its work for the Church or I am giving the money to the seminary to support seminarians in the pursuit of their vocation.  The latter can be part of my lifelong vocation to support priests and seminarians in anyway I can.  I may divide the amount equally if the total is big enough.  This would make me want to swear more if I believed that an ends justified a means (which it doesn't).

By the way, I shall be keeping track of myself with the honor system so I don't need some "perfect" person telling me that I swore.  I may be eighty percent deaf but I am not that deaf that I cannot hear the words that my own mouth formed and expressed after I willfully formed them in my mind.  Don't worry about the speck (mine is more like a huge iceberg) from your neighbor's eye (ouch) when you have a wooden plank (or both polar ice caps to keep the imagery going) in your own.  Besides, some would call me on it to make themselves feel better about their own inadequacy.

-I am going to continue my recitation of the Divine Office with the addition of Lauds and the Office of Readings.  I am also going to try to be more fervent and attentive in my prayer rather than fall into acedia which is a form of spiritual depression stemming from lax ascetical practice that leads to discouragment.  I also wish to lift myself out of the sense of roteness that can arise when my prayer becomes merely just repeating and reading without thought rather than developing my relationship with God.

-I am going to offer my Thursdays for priests, seminarians, and the proliferation of solid holy priestly vocations.  Remember, no priests, no Eucharist.  No Eucharist, no Church.  What better reason is there?

How am I going to do that?  Well, I was digging through the things I got from the Opus Sanctorum Angelorum (Work of the Holy Angels) and I found the prayerbook for their Crusade for Priests they had sent me that had sadly been put in my bedside table drawer and forgotten in the hustle and bustle of school life.  I am cracking that open at the very least on Thursdays and hopefully other days in addition, but especially Thursday.  So I don't forget to use it, I have it stuck to my door with teacher tack so whenever I look at my door, I see it.  It's right next to my Matrix Priest poster.

-I am going to try to pray the Rosary more than I have been of late which has been pretty much never.  Ideally, everyday would be what I want to do (3-4 days a week at least).  Only recently have I pulled out my Vatican Rosary out of my backpack and prayed it while I was reading Christology.  But I want to spend time when I am praying the Rosary exclusively and for various intentions.  If you have an intention, write me a message and I will put you down for a day (unless you have a specific day then I shall be glad to oblige).  I have a few intentions already in line with certain people for whom I have promised to pray but please, if you have an intention, let me know.

However, on Thursdays, I am praying my Rosary for seminarians and priestly vocations.  I have that really cool CD that Sacred Heart Major Seminary in Detroit put out about a year or so ago where the sems are praying all twenty decades of the Rosary for sems and vocations.  I have it loaded on my iPod.  That is what I will be using to pray my Rosary in addition to my other Thursday devotions for priests, sems, etc.

-On Fridays of Lent, I shall work to make a Way of the Cross using the trad stations in the chapel on campus.  One of the things I like about that chapel are the Stations that they have there because they are clearly older than most of the other furnishing in the chapel (read: they are probably from the old chapel) and as such look like what they are supposed to be (read: not that driftwood crucifix *shudders*).  These Ways of the Cross will be offered for my own intentions and the faithful departed of my family and friends.

When I am home, I shall attend Stations at SJA and hopefully serve them.  There is something about holding that crucifix and gazing up at that station that helps me focus on what is going on.  Besides, then I may get to hear the Stabat Mater ... one of my favorite Lenten hymns.  At least I know I have Stations and Mass of the Pre-Sanctified on Good Friday!  I'm sorry (actually, I'm not) Good Friday is one of my favorite holy days of the Church year.

-I am going to fast at least three days a week.  Fridays will be days of fast and abstinence and all other days I choose will be fast days.  I shall follow the traditional rules of fast which are one full meal and two secondary snacks which when combined shall not be equal or greater than the one full meal.  These days of fast will be offered for my intentions.

Now, when Lent ends, I am not just going to stop with my Lenten practices.  I see Lenten practices as something that should develop into something that continues year round.  That way, next year, I have to come up with some other things to do or, if I have failed in one or more of my previous practices, do them again with greater fervor and with a newly inflamed will to be successful.

I did not just spend all this time typing what I am doing for Lent to show off how holy I am.  I am the least of all God's creations thus who am I to be a show off?  I wrote all this to encourage you all to think about that you are doing for Lent this year and why you are doing it.

I invite you to write down/post what you are doing/giving up, etc. and give why you are doing them and share them with friends.  Write an LJ entry, a FB note, a blog post, etc.  Just remember to have the right intention when doing so.  Don't do it to show off your "holiness" ... do it to encourage others and yourself in our pursuit of holiness to which we are all called.

Well, I just looked at the clock and realized that to get back to the paper now would probably be ill-advised since I have Mass in the morning and I am getting tired.  Were I to restart now, I probably would not stop until about one o'clock and by that time, my mind would be running vapors which is not healthy this close to the end of the quad.  Therefore, I am probably going to call it a night now and start getting ready for bed.  Tomorrow is the last time I shall hear the Gloria until Easter Vigil ... I am going to savor it while I can.

Spring Break, get here soon!  I want to go to Mass at SJA and spend some QT with JC and il Monsignore!!!

Also, please pray that I do well on my Christology paper and on my final which is in two weeks.  This class is my capstone course for my Theology degree which for the most part is done except for one requirement and an elective or two.  Grazie mille, care amici!

Know that you all are in my prayers!

Buonanotte, care amici!

Dio ti benedica e Maria ti protegge per sempre!
-Allie

Mood: contemplative and thinking a bit more about where to go with my Christology paper of awesome-ness!
Location: Saint Aloysius' Retreat in the Pantsuit Nunnery
Background Music: EWTN streaming on Aloysius

A.M.D.G.
J.M.J.

Well, I decided that I should update y'all on my vocation discernment and how that's going.  I know, you all were just itching to hear about what this crazy lady was up to.  This will probably just end up being me writing what is on my mind about this topic ... nothing really in particular but ... meh.

I am still trying to figure out what God was trying to tell me at my November retreat but something is telling me that that got corrupted by what occurred shortly thereafter (if you don't know, check out my note from about early December-ish).  What does that mean?  Yours truly is back at square one and experiencing that spiritual dryness that comes from variety of sources ... most of which are self-inflicted by my own pride and stupidity (for lack of a better term).

Now before some AQ people start breathing down my neck about how I need to get more involved with stuff around campus and that it will help, you need to keep in mind that in things spiritual, I can be 1.) very traditional (which may upset some more progressive peeps) and 2.) very private about what I do.  Therefore, I tend to keep my spiritual practices to myself and practice them on my own (I know, I need to participate with the church community but that's what I call "Mass").  I like communal prayer, I just have a special affinity for private prayer.

I used to pray in the chapel at Aquinata but I can't anymore, that place scares me.  Don't think I am crazy.  I am dead serious when I say that when I would be in there praying Vespers and Compline, I would feel a very ominous presence surrounding me in a way that I have not experienced since some friends and I went to Fulton Street cemetery one night in an act of youthful rashness.  I seriously think that there is a malign, if not demonic (degree to which I know not), presence in the chapel.  I felt it physically touching me and pulling on me as I was trying to pray mentally.  In order to keep myself focused on the Office, I had to recite it aloud and pray what parts I knew in Latin (that forces me to really think about what I am saying).  It wouldn't relent until I began to sing the Salve at the end of Compline.  The cool thing that happened then was that I felt the air moving around me like people were walking by me.  Either those were more benign (angelic) presences or Mother Mary was taking care of me or both.  Yayz for Mother Mary!!!  : D

But I still refuse to go in there anymore at night especially.  The last time I was in there during the day, I felt an very angry presence in the confessional which I found kinda weird.  At night, all you need to do is walk by the door so they open automatically and look for a moment into the darkness to suddenly feel eyes staring through you and not with any kind of love ... more like pure hate and malice.  I swear, I am not crazy.  I don't joke about this stuff.  After that experience, things would begin to happen in my room so I finally got my holy oils and water and blessed the walls and doors of my room and nothing has happened since.  Thank God.

But anyway, back to discernment and my spiritual journey and such ...

I have to say that whenever I am up at school, I go through a veritable period of spiritual dryness that is only sated by my attending Mass on Sunday and receiving my Lord in Holy Communion.  And then, when I am at church, I never want to leave.  Ever.  Why would I want to leave something that causes me such a happiness and peace that I know I will not experience anywhere else?  It makes that little piece of paper I will get next May and all others following thereafter of little consequence in the eternal scheme of things but I need to finish my schooling which will probably include at least one Masters.  Deus providebit.

There is not one day when I wish I could just be at Saint Joan, in my pew, making a night vigil or twenty ... cubed.  Just me, the Lord, and the darkness.  The only light being that little red flickering lamp in the sanctuary and the moonlight glistening off the mosaic of the reredos.  I tell you, there are times when I sit in church at SJA and enojoy the serene silence.  I try to clear my mind of everything and just "be."  There are times when I want to be at the border between nave and sanctuary (we don't have a communion rail any more but luckily the layout of the church clearly delineates where one part begins and the other ends) and lie prostrate and just stay there until He tells me to get up.  Offering myself totally to Him in all possible humility and allowing Him to touch my heart and soul in the most intimate way that only He can do.  Something tells me that if I do that, and just let it be ... something will happen.  I don't know what it is ... but I have a feeling.

I can't tell you how anxious I am for the adoration chapel to open at SJA.  One thing that my Sisters of Mary retreats have taught me is that Adoration is the shiz!!!!  Most def.  Most def.  I even have a fob that will let me go in whenever I want!!! Yayz!!!!

When I am sitting in church, and being with the Lord, I could be there forever.  To just let the Lord speak to my heart and let Him form me as He wants me.  But no, I have to be stupid.  I have to think that I know better.  I have to think that I know what will truly make me happy.  PAH!  Let's see, over the past two or so years I have changed my definition of that which will make me happy how many times!?!?  Probably about thrice at the very least.  The very least.  First, I am going to be a sister and that's it!  I'm going to marry the Lord and everything will fall into place like that!  Then ... I am going to marry this guy and then everything will fall into place!  Then ... shit ... what the hell do I do now?

*Disclaimer:  When I discuss what is going on with me, I have a tendency to have my filter turned off to a degree that allows me to vent and to convey that which is going on in my heart.  That being said, I will say things like "hell," "shit," "suck," etc.  That's just how I roll.  I don't sugar coat to sound pious or holy or any of that stuff.  You all are getting me as I am, with all my manifold flaws and foibles.  It's called being human and as such, fallen.  Get used to it.  If you really want to know details, feel free to ask me, I shall tell you as much as I can.*

Some of you know about what has been happening recently, the details of which I will keep to a minimum because they are so fresh and some don't need to know every bloody detail about me and my personal life.  Those who need to know, know.  If you are a friend of mine from Regina or something and wish to know, ask me and I shall tell you the basics with detail to an extent.  I have what I like to call the "seal of the confessional" with some of my more personal conversations/relationships the details of which I prefer to maintain the utmost confidentiality.  I hope you shall respect that.  Mille grazie.

Anyway, I know what is keeping me in the way of discerning and doing what God wants me to do ... me.  Me and my stupid petty temporal fears.  Damn them.  Those damn things are keeping me from true happiness!!!  But I don't know how to get rid of them!!!  They plague me!!!  Constantly!!!

Before I was in a relationship, I didn't know what it was like to be with someone exclusively, to belong to someone, to have that special bond that comes with a relationship like Dom and I had.  I thought nothing of giving up the prospect of having a husband and children because that had never really been in the picture.  I was "Sister" Allie and that was it.  Me?  Get married?  Me?  Have a boyfriend?  What's the use?  I'm going to become a sister.  Ha!

Then it happened, God proved me wrong.  I had that relationship which we thought would end in marriage but it didn't.  I just kinda ended in one way or another.  The details of which I shall spare you all.

Now what?  I had "tasted" the fruit of the experience that is being in a relationship.  I had been with someone exclusively.  I had bonded with him as far as our state in life allowed.  And now that was gone.  Gone.  Shit.

Well, I went through my expected period of loneliness and "I am going to die a spinster" mania ... which, to be honest, is quite funny to look back at now.  But I am just a funny person  you know?  *does quirky nervous tick*

But now, for all intents and purposes, I am back at the beginning.  But now, with a kind of "baggage" I did not have before.  When I was "Sister" Allie before, I had never known what it was like to be held in the arms of the guy I loved, to spend time with that same person, to talk to him all the time, to share things in confidence, to have created that special bond with another person.  Now my heart is divided and it really shouldn't.

Right now, I am open to both vocations.  In fact, I just talked to a Felician sister on Monday afternoon, just talking to her about the order and the life and such ... "nun stuff," if you will.  I found it to be a very nice conversation and I learned a lot about the Felicians that I did not previously know.  If I am so called to the religious life, that is most definitely an order into which I shall look.  They are faithful, Eucharistic, Marian, and they have an openness to different apostolates that I love!!!

I would become a Sister of Mary if God so will it but I don't think elementary and secondary education is where I will end up.  I think I shall be in either post-secondary/seminary education or pastoral ministry in a parochial setting.  All I know for sure is that I want to dedicate my life to priests.  Serving them in anyway I can.  Heck, I would be a "nun-servant" if that is what I am to do.  That would totally irk the feminists but I don't care (since when have I cared?).  I need to go outside myself and my own needs for once.

But there is one thing that kinda scares me about religious life.  "Scares" is too strong a word but I shall use it because I can think of no other word at the moment.  I am afraid of loneliness.  I know, I know, I will have my community to keep my company but I won't have that special relationship that I would have in marriage.  I won't have the handsome Catholic husband and the cute Catholic kids.  I won't have the home in a nice neighborhood and all the stuff that comes with married life (including all the not so bright aspects ... I want those too ... no sugar-coated stuff for me).

I'm sorry but, at least right now, I can't really see how the relationship between a husband and wife is the same as the one between Christ and a sister as clearly as I should.  I know, it really is, but I think I am going to miss the whole idea of falling asleep next to my husband every night and waking up next to him every morning ... you know, that whole thing.  That kinda scares me.  I'll be alone.  For the rest of my life.  God help me and all my worthless fears that keep me from doing His will.

I really wish I could express this the way I want to but it is very hard to put down in text what the heart feels, so bear with me, please.  I will clarify if you wish, let me know and I shall be happy to do so.

I think what I need right now is prayer.  Lots and lots of prayer.  I mean, lots of it.  I mean, if I weren't on the other side of the bloody state in this spiritual desolation I would be going to Mass every morning again!  God, I miss that!  I miss serving Mass and being close to Him.  I miss that intimacy I got when assisting at Mass.  I miss hearing the music ... especially the chants.  Good Lord, I really miss those.  I miss praying and feeling something.  I miss being able to go to church whenever I want and feeling like I belong.  I miss talking to Monsignor about my discernment and him giving me advice.  I miss all that and much much more because from that, I derived so much happiness and joy.

I need to pray.  I need to humiliate myself.  I need to offer myself to Christ through Mary.  I need to do away with my wants and my desires and entreat God to grant me the grace to unite my will to His, no matter what the cost.  I need to cast all fears and doubts aside and give them to God for He wants all of us ... joys and fears.  I need to take my cross squarely on my shoulders and embrace it.  When people get their cross, they have a tendency to drag it in the dust and dirt and just resign themselves to it as if it were something that did not end in ultimate happiness.  We need to embrace our cross and carry it with all our being.  I need to seek that true happiness that can come only from doing the will of God no matter what my earthly ambitions may be.

I want to be one with God.  I want to be a better Catholic.  I want to be a true daughter of Mary.  I want to be more virtuous.  I want to forgive myself for all the stupid things that I have done for which God has already forgiven me but I, in my stupid pride, have not forgiven myself.  I want to strive for perfection.  I want to unite my will with God's.  I want to not just accept my cross but I want to embrace it wholeheartedly.  I want to go through all the sufferings that God may want me to endure, provided He will (and He always does) grant me the grace of fortitude to fight the good fight.  I want to lead others to Christ through my life/work in this world.  I want a holy indifference to the will of God.  I want to doff my selfish ambitions.  I want to attain that true happiness that only God can give in the vocation to which He has called me.  I want that thing with all my heart and it is only by the grace of God that I shall do that.

The moral of this whole spiel:  It is only by the Providence of God that we can do anything and we need to be open to the stirrings of the Spirit in our hearts and lives and ask for the grace to follow them no matter how unsure we may be.  We all are called to duc in altum!  Put out into the deep!

So, with all that said, I shall earnestly entreat your prayers for me and my discernment.  Know that you are all in my prayers (it's the least I can do, you put up with my insanity and such) and I love you all!

But now, I need to go to bed, class in a few hours and I need my beauty sleep ... busy weekend ahead.

Dio ti benedica e Maria ti protegge per sempre!
-Allie

PS
There is a lot more I could write but this note is long enough and it is getting late and my hands are tired.  I shall write more when I get the chance.  Thanks for reading!

Location: Saint Aloysius' Retreat at the Nunnery
Music: Alicia Keys

A.M.D.G.
J.M.J.

It's been much too long since I last posted so I figured I would write something ... what precisely?  Haven't any idea.  I'll let the Spirit move me or just write whatever pops into my head ... perhaps a mix of both.  I hope you enjoy my bits of random-ness ... welcome to my world.

I must say there are a couple things to which I am looking forward which are luckily happening very close together.  First, my uncle, an Augustinian, who is the pastor of a parish in Flint, is having his *bee-you-tee-ful* Romaneque/Baroque church consecrated by his bishop, Bishop Boyea ... who, in my humble opinion is an awesome bishop.  He was the one with whom I would discuss the squalid state of the religion/religiosity of my alma mater, Regina.  Well, my uncle asked me to be Master of Ceremonies and, of course, I was totally honored but I was also nervous as heck.  You see, I have never MCed a Mass without having Monsignor around to help me or teach me his Jedi MC ways.

Luckily, I knew that my Jedi Master would know just what I needed to prepare.  I went to his lair (aka his kick-ass office ... you should see the stuff he has in there ... I envy his library of canon law books) and I presented my situation.  He immediately gets up and takes a book off his bookshelf and says "Study this and you should be just fine."  *gulp*  This padawan is trying out her wannabe l33t MC skills without the help of her Jedi Master ... Deus auxilia mei!  So now, in between doing a shitload of reading (Christology and Medical Ethics are going to demand my attention especially as I have already learned) I will be studying the ritual book that the Tall One gave me.

Then, today, Joe informed me that our new Archbishop, Allen Vigneron (who, btw, is very TLM-friendly) is going to say Mass at SJA on the following Monday!!!!  Holy Mother Church and all her smells and bells!!!  Heck yeah!!!  Obviously Joe will be playing for the Mass (whootz!) and I am hoping that the Tall One will let me at least serve, ideally, MC the Mass.

I remember whenever Cardinal Maida would come to SJA, I would be chomping at the bit to serve the Mass ... even if I just sat there vested ... just to have the experience.  However, whenever I would ask, I was always told that I could not.  Then, when the Mass would come, there would be a bunch of male servers who were afraid to even approach him ... he's not going to bite you head off.  And no, I am not a man-hater ... I am just calling it as I saw it.  You know it's sad when one female server just does what she has to do to get things done without a problem and yet is not allowed to serve the Mass but then there are a couple male servers who think that it's going to be the hardest thing in the world.

Here's a little MC secret: When MCing a Mass with a bishop, the only extra things involved are the crosier and mitre duty and washing his hands that extra time after Communion ... you don't need to walk on water or change water into a fine red wine.  Not that hard.  Not at all.  It's nowhere near as complex as Easter Vigil or a Church dedication/consecration.  I can recall a few Confirmations I MCed when I pretty much had to gently push the servers to the bishop so they would be close enouh to recieve and return his mitre and crosier ... of course, those were younger one so they got a bit more mercy from this drill sergeant of an MC.  It was kinda cute how nervous they were ... and people wonder why I always try to make my servers smile.  You would swear they were at a funeral sometimes.

So, with all that said, I hope that the Tall One lets me MC that Mass.  It would totally make me a very happy child of God and besides, then I get to meet the Archbishop personally via Monsignore!  Yayz!!!

Now, I just need to get out of my Saturday morning Introductory Spirituality Directed Study and my Monday morning Catholic Writers class.  I am not worried so much about the latter; it's when I realized that I had the former to contend with that I began to fret.  Meh, Deus providebit.  If He wants me there, He will make a way ... kinda like what He did for my Sisters of Mary Retreat in November.

The new semester has arrived and after I got over the immediate home/"I miss SJA" sickness, everything fell into place.  I got most of my books.  Most of my Humanities books are in the public domain so I am reading them online rather than paying for them and then getting chump change back on the "investment."  I got my Christology books (except for one) on Amazon and they arrived within three days ... Thank the Matka Boza Czestochowa for Amazon Prime free three month trial!  I just need to get a couple more books for my Spirituality class and a few more for my Catholic Writers class.  My Medical Ethics book ran me 126 bucks ... Good Lord.  At least it's hardcover.

I think the semester is going to go well *lights a box of vigil lights ablaze with blessed Easter fire*.  Christology while I know it will be challenging, will be ultimately rewarding.  Besides, Marshall is my favorite of the theology profs.  He is also my academic adviser.  With the schedule I have, my nose is going to be almost constantly in a book reading and I will probably go through a pack or two of highlighters.  Point of fact, I killed one highlighter doing a quarter of my Christology reading for next Tuesday's class.  I like the books for that class.  Very very nice.

Now, onto another topic that I just *know* you are all just anxiously anticipating ... what this crazy Catholic got for Christmas.  Well, I got a few gift cards (including one for Amazon ... whootz), some nice new clothes, some assorted books of a theological nature (including a Ratzinger book on the Apostles), and ... *drum roll* an iPod Touch 2G to which I have been pretty much attached (such an avarice filled sinner I am) since I got it.  That baby is sweet!  I have all my music on it along with pics of various things (mostly Catholic things), some podcasts (Arinze, WDtPRS, and Barats and Bereta), and some kick ass apps.  I have found myself listening to that Gregorian chant CD and Durufle's Requiem of late (both of which Joe gave/sent me ... mille grazie, Giuseppe!).  Non sequitur: Durufle's Requiem on Good Friday at SJA = teh shiz-neh.

I am officially a Tap Tap Revenge addict (look it up on iTunes ... it's free).  You should see me.  Poor Kirsten, she comes over to the Moose to hang out with me after classes and such and I just sit on the couch with my eyes staring intently at my iPod screen tapping out the rythmic light patterns (it's kinda like Guitar Hero).  I must say, I am pretty good with my 98-100 percent accuracy ratings.  Also, Cube Runner is pretty darn awesome and I am addicted to iBreviary ... no ribbons to move ... though I still love my black leatherbound gilded pages four volume set.  Also, Facebook on iPod.  I need not say more.  Darn my addiction to Facebook.  Meh, when you are attached to your laptop like I am ... Facebook is like where all the squatters dwell when they either a.) have nothing better to do, or b.) have a lot to do but just don't want to do it.  It's a wonder sometimes that I get things done.  Thank God I am at least somewhat driven.

Oh yeah!  I got an awesome Disney Princess calendar!  Now I have three calendars in my dorm: Disney Princess, my Saint Joan Parish calendar, and the SJA Liturgical schedule the Monsignor sends me.  Just because I am not there does not mean I should be out of the loop ... it's how I plan my early morning texts to the Tall One ... jk.  I text him anyway.  And if I get lucky, he either responds back via text or he actually calls me and we chat for a bit.  I always look forward to talking to the Tall One!  : )

With the additional calendar (along with the tres cute Sleeping Beauty magazine cover wall hanging that Lauren gave me), I had to reformat one of my holy card walls (I have holy cards on my walls to serve as holy reminders of what I should ideally be working toward).  I had to make sure everything looked just so and not out of line or crooked.  Darn my Catholic OCD!

You should see my room, Angela once said that if a demon every came in my room he would be scared shitless by all the Catholic stuff I have.  Holy cards and a pretty Marian icon on the walls, crucifix with three vials of holy oil and a bottle of holy water on the bedstand along with a statue of Saint Aloysius, a picture of the Pope on one wall with an antique framed artwork of the Salve Regina I got from Sister Carol, and that awesome Matrix priest Vocations poster on the back of my door (Father Jim Bilot gave it to me a few years back when he was still Vocations Director for the AoD).  Geez, by the sound of all this, you would swear that I was a good holy Catholic.  Good Lord.  Can you discern if I am being serious or if I am being even a little bit sarcastic?  Oh, and did I mention the priest troll (kudos to Miller for finding that and giving it to me my freshmen year), mini-Mary statue, and Vatican flag on my desk?  Yeah, I almost send the wrong message.  ; )  Tee hee hee!

Besides all the Catholic kitsch, I also have posters of classic art and a whole section by my bed is nothing but Audrey Hepburn (I lovez that lady!) the crowning glory of which is a giant framed poster taken from "Breakfast at Tiffany's" when she played Holly Golighty.  What can I say?  I love timeless/classic things.  Trad Catholicism = timeless and good art and movies = classic.

Well, it looks like this post has turned into a tour of Saint Aloysius' Retreat at the pantsuit nunnery.  I needz to scheme how I am to kidnap Our Lady and restore her to her rightful niche on the third floor.  Maybe I could just scavenge for another statue.  The Lord Himself knows that the vast majority of these pantsuits have abdandoned Mary or totally messed up her purpose and mission in order to advance their progressive Mother Gaia/feminine divine venerating agenda of castrating every even remotely male thing from the Church.  I know she is Holy Mother Church but not like that!  I tell you, Marko had a point when he said "When the veils came off, the heads caved in."  God help us.  If I end up being a sister, at the very minimum I will take a religious name (Sister Mary Michael Aloysius of the Immaculate Heart of Mary or the Divine Child Jesus) and wear a simple habit (at least a veil that covers the majority of my hair).

Oh yeah, 'tis that time of year again ... time to start thinking about Spring Formal.  Spring Formal ... hmmm.  Allie's a single lady this time.  What is a lady to do?  I shall pray about it.  I'll let Mary pick out my date ... she knows my taste in men better than I do.  *lights Marian vigil light and kisses Marian icon*  It also means that our little triumvirate of ladies need to start planning and prepping.  Read: nights spent in the workout room while listening to music or watching South Park or Barats and Bereta and figuring out what to wear.  Gotta get that hot bod, don' cha know?

Well, this child of God has a class at nine o'clock tomorrow and she needs to have her comatose animated corpse out of her nice warm bed (and out of her wonderful dream land) by seven o'clock so I have plenty of time to get ready.  After class, it's a Ladies' Day Out to the Mall *Rivertown = teh shiz-neh ... two story Victoria's Secret!* and hopefully I will be able to find a place that has my Delirium Tremens.  My two bottles of Cook's, six-pack of Mike's and bottle of Reisling are just not complete.  I need a reason to crack open a bottle of that champagne ... any suggestions?

And don't worry, I'm not a lush ... can't be falling into that trap.  Lord knows it runs in the family and I have so much to live for and work for that to do that to myself (not to mention my family and friends) would not only be sad but it would be very selfish of me.  It's just that sometimes, after a busy night of Christology, nothing is better than chilaxing with a cold bottle of Mike's or a mug of Reisling/Cook's and listening to random stuff on iTunes.

Buonanotte, care amici mi en Cristo e Maria!

Dio ti benedica e Maria ti protegge per sempre!
-Allie

Mood:  Meh with a bit of yayz (mostly Catholic geek yayz)
Location: Saint Al's Retreat on a bitterly cold Friday night
Music: Mozart, Durufle, Gregorian chant, and whatever I have on my third playlist (a mix of Disney Princess songs and random happy songs)

A.M.D.G.
J.M.J.


I am writing this note to "clear the air" as the subject line indicates about what happened with the relationship between Dom and me.  Personally, I am sick and tired of people making ill-informed assumptions about what happened and what the cause of it was.  Most people have no idea about the truth of what happened.  All they know is the stuff that I say generally.  I tend to try not to get too specific about things of this nature because a.) contrary to what some think, I can be a very private person about certain things ... the specifics of relationships being one of them, and b.) frankly, some people don't need to know every flaming detail about my relationships or my life for that matter.

But I guess now that all of this stuff has been happening, I have no choice but to let it all out.  So pull up a chair, put on some Gregorian chant as background music, pour yourself a glass of red wine and enjoy!

Our story starts a few months ago, I was in a serious relationship with one Dominic McLaughlin and we were discerning a call to the married life.  Mind you, before I had met Dom, I had my heart set on becoming a religious sister and pretty much had it all planned out.  Oh how the providence and grace of God works in the lives of even His most meager of creations, myself being the least of them.

Anyway, all things were peachy keen, it was all set before us: Dom and I were going to get married, have a bunch of Catholic kids, and live our lives according to our discerned vocations.  Dom was going to be the librarian and I was going to be the Pastoral Associate or the Theology professor.  Everything was set pretty much ... as much as things could be set when one is a finite being incapable of reading the future but anyway ...

Then, it happens, out of nowhere, it comes back.  What is "it" pray tell?  I began to have those very strong stirrings in my heart about being called to the religious life again.  The only difference was that they were even stronger than they were before and much more definite.  Here is another catch, I felt that I had an honest to God call to the religious life and yet I still loved and cared for Dom.  I was so conflicted about what I should do.  There were many a night when I cried myself to sleep and one night I was so upset that the only way I could even think of going to bed was by taking a very hot shower and just crying for a long time.  Not many people know about that.  But I guess, now, you all do.

I consulted with two of my priest friends, one of them being Monsignor and the other being Father Charlie.  I described to them how I felt and what was going on and Father Charlie said I had all the signs and indications of a call to the religious life but he told me to pray and pray and pray.  Monsignor gave me like advice.  It just so happens that I had signed up for a Sisters of Mary retreat (the OPs out of Ann Arbor) a few weeks before all this had happened and the retreat was coming up fast.  I signed for the retreat to confirm what I had discerned up to that point as to being where I was to go.  Monsignor told me to put my mind at ease and wait for the retreat.  He told me that most probably, God would make His will known at the retreat in one way or another.  God does work in mysterious ways, don' cha know?

Oh and by the way, I did tell Dom about this whole thing and he, as should be expected, had mixed feelings about the whole thing.  You know, your serious girlfriend whom you think you are going to marry is now having second thoughts and is considering a call to the religious life.  Yeah, a conflict of interests much? Yeah.  Duh.  But he promised (and followed through with that promise) to support me in any way he could.

I went on said retreat with the thought that I was going to sign up and become one of their newest postulants on the way to the holy habit of Saint Dominic.  However, all through the retreat, I kept having the same thoughts pop into my head "You know, you don't have to become a religious to serve the Church in the way that you want to." and "Perhaps you are not just going on this retreat for yourself but for future generations.  Perhaps you will have children called to the religious life and priesthood."  While these were all very wonderful thoughts and all having truth in them.  I stupidly disregarded them as God's way of testing me to see if I was serious.  And, Lord, was I ever serious about joining up with the sisters!

Then, I got up out of my warm sleeping bag at five in the morning for my adoration slot.  I brought my Breviary into the chapel and said Lauds silently then I decided it was time to get down to business.  I put the Breviary down and sat in my front pew and just looked directly at Christ.  It was time for Him to do the talking.  I sat there and sat there and sat there.  Letting Him speak to my heart.  It was the most serene time I had had in a long time.  It was just me and Christ.  There was no one else in the chapel but me and He Whom I had presumed to be my future Spouse.  Those same thoughts popped into my head again, this time with more fervor and more certitude.  I then said to Him, "You know me better than I know myself, Lord, please indicate to me in some way that I have a call to either of the vocations.  Remember, I am not the most shiny vigil light but give me the grace to heed Your voice."

I recalled what the priest had said earlier in the retreat about how as he was doing his discernment he asked God to play his favorite song at Mass the next time he attended.  Lo and behold, that song was played and after a little bit more prayer and discernment, it turned out that he was called to the Holy Priesthood.  With that in mind, I asked God to indicate a call to the religious life by playing one of my favorite trad vernacular songs, "Holy God We Praise Thy Name" (which is a paraphrase of the Te Deum) at Mass when we went to the Motherhouse.

I arrived at the Motherhouse and was immediately in love with the chapel.  I almost felt that that was message enough for me to know that I belonged there.  But I remembered the request I had made of God that morning so I decided to wait it out.  Mass went beautifully.  The sisters' singing was just glorious.  Again, very few things were keeping me from signing up right then and there so to speak.  But there was always one thing that popped into my head ... Dominic.  What would happen to him?  How could I be sure?  Catholic angst!!!

I approached the altar to recieve Communion and returned to my place in choir and began to pray.  I felt compelled to close my eyes and just let whatever pop into my mind and heart.  A few moments later, I saw Dominic and almost instantaneously I felt at peace.  That was it!  I was called to the married life!  I was called to the married life with Dom!  I knew it (that's what I told myself)!  I was beyond happy!  More on that later.

By the way, my song was not played but what did I care?  I knew!  I knew!  I knew!  I was so happy!  I had never been that happy in my entire life or at least for a very long time!

That afternoon, as Lauren was waiting to take me back to GRap after spending the weekend at Michigan, I told Sister Joseph Andrew (vocations director of the order) all of what had happened.  I told her how I came into this retreat thinking that I was going to sign up and how now everything vocation wise was so clear to me.  I told her my aspirations for much more study in the area of theology and canonical jurisprudence (canon law) and she was so happy that she gave me a big hug and told me to keep in touch with her because she said that she could see me going a long way with all my hopes and dreams that I had related to her!  God will provide the way if He so will it to be so!!!

After my meeting with Sister, I was ecstatic.  Ask Lauren, I was walking on air!  I had never been so happy in my life!  Being reinforced in my thoughts by Sister only stoked the happiness all the more.  But I made a misjudgment that is probably the root cause of all this malarcky that I am dealing with now.

Anyway, as we are driving back to GRap, I called Dominic and told him that it had been all set before me.  I was called to the married life and it was with him.  He was happy.  Don't get him wrong, but I am willing to wager that he was at least a little bit reticent considering what had been going down the past few weeks before with my inner stirrings toward the religious life.  He even told me that he expected to "lose" me to Christ.  He said that he was surprised that I chose him over the perfect Spouse.  But that all did not matter!  I was going to marry him!  That was all I cared about!  It was all set!

Then, within a few days of all this, different thoughts came back.  How could I be sure that I was called to the married life with Dominic?  How could I know?  He was my only relationship.  How am I to know for sure from one relationship that he was the one?  All of these concerns are valid, no matter what you may think.  No matter how perfect two people may seem to be for each other ... it does not mean that they are called to marry each other.  It just means that if God so will it, they will be together.  Just like if a man seems to be called the priesthood in the eyes of others and/or himself, only God's wants and wishes matter.  He will indicate as such in HIS time.  Not ours.  The same goes with women seemingly called to the religious life.  Who am I, or anyone else for that matter, to judge the will of God as to being right or wrong?

Perhaps I had read too much into what God had indicated to me at Mass that Sunday morning.  Perhaps, as utilitarian as this may sound, my seeing Dominic in my mind was meant to serve as a symbol (God does speak through symbols, you know) for me to see that I was most probably called to the married life.  I say "most probably" because nothing is for certain until the vows are made or exchanged.  Things change quickly and  discernment is ongoing.

I discussed all this with Dominic.  At the end of all this extremely painful discussion and realistic thinking, we came to the mutual consensus (redundant but I say it as such to reinforce a point that many don't seem to understand!) that we needed to go out separate ways in regards to our relationship in order that we may better discern our respective vocations ... especially me.

I then came back to AQ after my weeklong Thanksgiving break and the s*** hit the fan.  Suddenly, I was the one who broke up with Dom.  I was the one who hurt Dom.  I was the one who didn't care about Dom.  All I cared about was myself and how I felt and what I wanted.  I guess my alleged friends think I am a heartless bitch who would break a man's heart (a man I loved by the way) just because I had cold feet or something else came up.

I also want to clarify that all of this was in the making long before another thing happened in my life.  We need not get into that here nor do I want to see any comments or wallposts about it.  If you feel so compelled to say anything about  something of which you most probably have absolutely NO real knowledge, I most ardently beg you to take it up with me privately so that I can clarify it for you who clearly cannot just hear me out and take me at my word!

Also, I guess that some of you thought that our breaking up was my idea!  Need I remind you that we came to that conclusion and it was NOT an easy decision to make.  I cried all night long and to this day it still hurts.  Which may also be a surprise to some of you!  I do have a heart and it can be broken and it will most probably be broken!  And it was broken!  I do give a s*** about other people's feelings and I try my darndest  to not hurt them ... especially the one with whom I was deeply in love.

Don't get me wrong I still care deeply for Dom but we both need to move on with our discernments.  We are still friends.  We still talk.  We still crack jokes.  We still talk theology.  The only difference is that we are not in a relationship and we are not dating.  I am not letting something as petty as a break-up get between me and perfectly wonderful friendship with an awesome Catholic guy.  We just both need to do further discernment on our own.

What does this all mean?  Well, for Dom, I can most definitely see him marrying a wonderful Catholic woman and raising a family of vibrant and very cute kids!  He has a bright future before him and I am not one to get in the way because of my need for further discernment.  For me?  Well, so far, I feel very strongly compelled to the married life as you can probably (hopefully) infer.  If I am called to the married life, I want to marry a nice traditional Catholic man who has a deep respect and love for the Church and an abiding faith and desire to serve God in whatever way that God so call him.  In a totally ideal world either an Italian or an Irishman.  But Deus providebit.

However, I am remaining open to the religious life to the end.  God will reveal it to me.  He won't just tell me once.  If I need it, He will tell me many times in many different ways until I get it right and it will most probably be very painful and the cause of much suffering.  It must be remembered that great happiness can only be gotten at the price of great pain.  It's sad but it's very true as I have learned.

So, with all this said, I am making a declaration to all my friends.  Take this account as the truth for it is the truth.  If you still refuse to believe me, I must say that I will probably have to call into question whether it will be good for either of us to continue our friendship.  But that will only happen in the most dire circumstances or as the Code of Canon Law puts it in the most "extenuating circumstances."  If you have any questions, please address them to me privately via message, private face-to-face chat, or phone call.  I will be glad to clarify questions or comments in that way but I entreat you to respect my request.

Now, some of you may be thinking that another thing had something to do with Dom and my relationship ending.  I shall reiterate it for you.  We had been moving toward this end for a while.  It just took us a while to realize and call it as we saw it.  We tried our darndest to work it out but there was much more that needed to be done individually on our parts.  Our "break up" had nothing to do with anyone or anything else but our coming to the conclusion that it would be best if we separated and discerned our vocations separately and let go and let God.

I hope this clarifies things.  If not, ask me privately.  Doing it any other way will be probably interpreted by me as a personal insult.  I am sorry but I have to be tough on this to make sure that we are all on the same page.

Have a great night!

Dio ti benedica e Maria ti protegge per sempre!
-Allie

A.M.D.G.
J.M.J.

*Language Warning: I have disengaged my filter for this post ... if you can't take some expletives, grow a backbone and read anyway!*

Seriously!  I mean, seriously!  What the hell is wrong with this country!?!?!?!  What the hell is wrong with college students!?!?!?  Are they really THAT stupid!?!?!  They can't be serious!  If these moronic jackasses are our future ... this country has NO IDEA how f***ed it is!

We stand at the end of an election season that has been going on for what seems like forever.  I have lived through a few of them and have grown to understand the process that comes with it.  There have been candidates that I have liked, loved, and there have been those I have not particularly liked or deeply disliked.  Never before have I ever hated a candidate's platform so very thoroughly.  Never.  And for friends of mine, they know that I do not like to use the term "hate" very much in this sense.

Never before have I seen pretty much an ENTIRE COUNTRY being led down the path to complete and utter destruction.  Never before have I witnessed such a completely UNQUALIFIED and INEXPERIENCED ignoramus run for the highest office in the land.  The people who support him and his platform are like moronic mindless sheep being led to slaughter by empty promises of "change" and "change" and did I mention ... "change?"  All of their "beliefs" are based on emotion and quite frankly the most idiotic form of idealism.

Since when has having the government involved in virtually all aspects of private and public life (aka socialism) been a good idea!?!?!  Since when!?!?!?  Since when has being a yellow-bellied idealist been the best feature of a leader who must deal with terrorism and threats to national security on a daily basis?  Since when has someone who is PRO-DEATH been the ideal person to stand up for the basic American right to LIFE?  Since when has someone who has associated himself with domestic terrorists and has himself been a chief instigator of the extreme polarization of this nation.  He wants unity?  Never before have I heard such utter bull shit!  He speaks of the oppressed middle class and the exalted upper class.  How the hell can he be the catalyst for unity when he himself is so damn polarizing?

The most depressing thing, besides the whole Obama platform of extreme socialism "cleverly" disguised as moronically naive idealism, have been the idiots in my generation who are following this socialist death loving idealogue.  College students are supposed to be indicative of the future of the country.  If Aquinas is indicative of anything not only is the future extremely bleak, it is also thoroughly socialist, anti-life, and amoral.  College student possess a kind of moronic idealism that makes me feel nothing but utter shame for being a part of this generation.

Luckily, not all college students are morons.  Not all young people are mindless idealists who think that a seemingly good end justifies a means.  Not all young people are blind to the fact that that wealth redistributor has no  love of country.  You can wear all the flag pins in the world but if you refuse to recite the pledge or salute the flag willingly and make some bull shit excuse for not doing so, YOU DO NOT DESERVE TO LEAD THE COUNTRY YOU SEEM TO BE SO MUCH AGAINST!!!  When you mud sling about spending and taxation on the other side when you yourself are going to tax the crap out of the middle class and small businesses and yet still claim to be for the "little guy," I cannot help but believe that you are full of shit.

Besides the whole Obama = pre-natal and post-natal baby killer issue (which to me is a major issue), his economic policies bug the shit out of me!  Why are people supporting someone who is wo clearly a socialist?  He wants to redistribute wealth!  He wants to take the hard earned money of the American people and give them to some leeches who, though able to, are unwilling to get off their asses and work like the rest of us!  The purpose of welfare is to help wean people off of dependence on the government and move them toward independence.  I refuse to let some leech on the government take MY hard-earned money just so they don't have to work.  Get a f***ing job, you usurper.  Damn it!  

Obama wants to tax success!  What should be done is encourage success by not taxing it!  We should be rewarding entrepreneurship and not condemning it.  Not everyone is meant to make shit loads of money.  That does not make them less an American or less a person.  But the Obama cult followers think everything should be fair for everyone no matter how much or how little they do.  Newsflash, shitheads ... LIFE ISN'T FAIR!!!

Another thing that pisses me off beyond words are the "Catholics" who are actually voting for this moron.  How can ANY true Catholic in good conscience vote for someone who so clearly and blatantly stands for and will bring about things that are so completely against that which the Church believes.  If I hear one more time about the "seamless garment ethic," I swear ... I will give them a piece of my mind.  The fundamental right of EVERY PERSON is the right to life.  To deny a person of that fundamental right negates all others.  How can a person have rights if they NEVER HAD A CHANCE EVEN TO BE BORN?!?!?!  How can any Catholic vote for this guy?  He is the proponent of every thing contrary to Chuch teaching.

Also, I wish Catholic bishops would grow some balls and excommunicate anyone who votes for someone who is so clearly against everything the Church is for.  Of course, there would be some very extenuating circumstances where this would be waived but I don't want to get into the "what ifis."  I mean, at least deny them Communion.  Where to start?  Excommunicate Pelosi, Kennedy, Kerry, and any other nominal Catholic who is a flagrant voter for issues contrary to Church teaching.  Make an example of those morons.  The Church needs to grow her cajones again.  We can't do the Inquisition but we can deny them hat which they feel they have the "right" to.  After that, have that spineless bishops' conference of ours mandate penalites to any Catholic who openly stands in obstinate dissent to Church teaching.  After that, have the Congregation for the Religious to a thorough purging of ALL religious orders who have been flagrant dissenters.  Of course, first give them a period of time to change their ways and then if they don't follow through ... dissolve them or change their leaders.  Sisters ... put your darn habits back on and be holy women!  Priests .... be men and don't let those pesky women walk all over you who are allegedly indicative of the long-reaching sexism in HOLY MOTHER CHURCH!

One last note before I close this note ...

Calling all Catholics who hate or can't stand the Church's holy tradition/Tradition!  Can't stand the oppressiveness of the Church in HER blatant prejudice against women?  THEN LEAVE!  Can't stand the Church's two millenia long ban on contraception and abortion and basically her life teachings?  THEN LEAVE!!!  Can't stand the fact that the Church is so old-fashioned?  THEN LEAVE!!!  Do you think that the Church has no role in the secular world in the role of spreading the objective moral truths? THEN LEAVE!!!  Basically, are you one of those Catholics who can't stand the Church but think that your little bitch fits/protest is going to change 2,000 years of tradition and teaching?  THEN LEAVE!!!

That is all.

Have a great day!

Oh yeah, if you are offended by any of this ... too bad.

Dio ti benedica e Maria ti protegge per sempre!
-Allie

A.M.D.G.
J.M.J.

Hey, all!  I think that I should let you all know what has been going on with me of late.  Things have gotten confusing for me in the area of discernment.

As some of my friends at AQ know, I have been going through something that I would not have expected to experience.  You see, over the past few weeks to a couple months I have been getting those stirrings in my heart that I used to get before I started dating Dominic.  Yes, you guessed it, God is placing the idea in my heart of the possibility of being called to the religious life again.

The thing is is that I really, really love Dominic.  Before someone starts asking if something is going on between us ... there isn't.  Everything has been going so darn well that is a surprise to me that these ideas are coming into my head and heart again.  Even more, why they are so strong and persistent.

One side of the "problem" is that whenever I think of the possibility of being a religious sister, I have this feeling of overwhelming right-ness.  I don't know how to describe it but when I was talking to Matt about it today (I find my spiritual talks with him most edifying) he said that he understood what I meant.  There are times that I just want to "run off" and join a religious order.  These things have gotten so specific that I know what order I would join ... those wonderful OPs in Ann Arbor (Sisters of Mary, Mother of the Eucharist).  It all feels so right and sometimes I wonder what I am doing here in Grand Rapids and at AQ when I could be in the Pre-Postulancy with the Sisters.

Case in point, this past Sunday at Mass at Saint Izzy's, when I was kneeling in prayer before Communion, I think I went into something of an ecstasy.  At least I was very rapt up in my prayer.  I felt this sense of one-ness with God that I have not felt before in a long time.  It was a feeling like "I don't want to leave.  I don't want this to end.  This is happiness.  Right here.  Right now."  I felt such a wonderful sense of union with God that I could think of nothing else but spending the rest of my life devoted to Him and Him alone.  If I could describe the true depth of what I experienced, I would.  But I can't.  This isn't even the first time this happened.  It even happened at Saint Thom's the Sunday before.  Both times I had my gaze fixed on the crucifix.  Both times I could not help but smile.  Both times I did not want it to end.  It just keeps getting stronger.

The other side of the "problem" is this: I still love Dominic.  Whenever I talk to him, I fall in love with him all over again.  Whenever I talk to him, I can't think of being with anyone but him.  I can't wait until I see him but I know that it will still cause a divided feeling in me.  None of this is his fault.  None of it.  It breaks my heart that I can be so divided over my desires.  When I talk to him, when I see him, I can't even believe that I thought of doing anything but spending the rest of my life with him.  I love Dominic.  I can't think of spending my life with anyone but him.  And yet, at the same time, I want to spend the rest of my life devoted to God alone.  No matter what anyone says, that isn't possible.  It's either one or the other.

The one thing that scares me more than anything is hurting Dominic if I decide that God wants me in the religious life.  He tells me that I should not worry about it ... but I do and I will.

I am being very selfish to boot too.  You see, even if I do end up in the religious life ... I don't want anyone else to have him.  I know, terribly selfish but ... it's how I feel and that will be very hard to get rid of.

There are times when I wish that I would have just taken those darn papers for admission into the Sisters of Mary.  Sure, I would not have discussed it with the Monsignor but we were at the juncture anyway.  He had me looking up orders before I met Dominic.  He told me that it was a matter of time before I would know what order I was to join.  Sure, it would probably not have been a good idea what with my not talking to my family about it.  Sure, it may not have been a good idea what with all my academic obligations.  But at least I would have spared Dominic this.

Now, DO NOT interpret the previous paragraph as me saying that "I regret dating Dominic" because that is as far from the truth as it could ever be.  I don't regret dating Dominic.  I never could.  I love Dominic.  I love him.  I love him.  I love him!

What I do regret is putting him through this.  Here he is, in this wonderful relationship, there's talk of marriage in the near future and then WHAM! something happens and now she wants to be or is strongly considering the religious life.  Can she not make up her mind?  Totally unfair to Dominic.  Totally unfair.

The past few days I have been lost in thought.  As I am walking to and from campus, to and from Wege, to and from different things, I cannot stop thinking about this whole thing.  Running over it in my mind.  Trying to figure this whole thing out.  That's just plain impossible.  God's ways are not our ways.  But I am determined to, if it comes down to my joining the Sisters, keep the hurt on the part of Dominic to a minimum.  I know it's impossible to keep it from happening and I hate myself for even thinking of doing this to him.  I really do.

Besides hurting Dominic I also fear some other things.  One thing, loneliness.  I am sorry but being in a convent of sisters is not the same as having the love of your life sleep next to you every night.  I know, if I become a sister I will be married to Christ but still ... nothing can replace that in my book.  Another thing, don't think me a perv but, no sex.  Before I began dating, I had no concept of how beautiful that act could be and such ... not that I have had sex but ... now that I have the whole dating thing under my belt, I think it will be harder for me to give that thing up.  Before I began dating, obedience was going to be the hard vow for me.  Now, I think it will be the chastity.  I really do.

Another thing, how the hell can I be sure that I am really doing the will of God!?!?!  If only God could send me a text, an email, or a memo to get it through this dense Italian head of mine what He wants me to do.  But no, I have to go through all this confusion.  Which, in reality, my doing on account of my fallen nature.  But being the petty human being that I am, I blame it on God.  He only knows why He still loves me.

Before I started dating, I was so sure.  I was going to be Sister Mary Michael Aloysius of the IHM.  I was going to get my Masters in Theology with the possibility of Canon Law studies.  I was going to teach at the College level or at a seminary.  Now, I am totally in love with two people.  Dominic and God.  Both of which I can never see leaving.  But only one I can choose.

All I can hope in now, besides the providence of God is that I am able to go on the November retreat with the Sisters of Mary.   I really really need to go on retreat.  More than even I probably know.  Hopefully, Godin-chan will be able to go too.  Any other young lady in the AQ group interested?  It's on November 8th and 9th.  It's 25 dollars and that gets you a wonderful retreat and a space on a very popular retreat.  You need not be discerning a religious vocation to attend.  If you want to go with us, let us know soon and be sure to register ASAP because they fill up quickly.

Well, I hope that gives you all an idea of what I am going through now.  This account is not exhaustive.  There is more to be said but I am getting tired.  If you have any questions or need clarification, please do not assume.  Ask me.  I am aware of how disorganized these thoughts are but they are written as they came out of my meager and human little head.  I could write more but I have a busy day ahead.

If I never ask any of you for anything for the rest of my life I ask you this ... PRAY FOR ME!!! PLEASE!!!

I am posting this to my blog as well so yeah.  I thought I would also mention that.

Have a great night!

Dio ti benedica e Maria ti protegge per sempre!
-Allie

A.M.D.G.
J.M.J.

Well, I was meaning to write this yesterday afternoon, but some friends and I ended up going out and about later than we had anticipated so I did not get to write that which I had planned.  Add to that the fact that I got two DVDs, "Borat" and "Breakfast at Tiffany's," and some awesome coloring books so ... I got a wee bit distracted.  So, since I have a few hours before I have to get to class, I figure I would write it now.

Over the past few Sundays, I have been able to, through the wonderfulness of a friend of mine, go to a nice traditional parish where I know that I will have a valid and licit Mass to fulfill my Sunday obligation and get some real spiritual edification.  Trust me, I have been very grateful to this friend and to God that I have been able to do so.

Well, this weekend, we were unable to go to said parish for Mass so we went to the parish that is located next door to campus.  I used to go there all the time but I did have my reservations about the place.  Wonderful parish, great people, but there are some things that irk me quite a bit there.

As many know, I tend to be very particular about orthopraxy in worship.  I credit that to a few things: my experiences at my old high school where we were constantly stuck in the 1970s when it came to liturgical practices (liturgical dance and sappy music make Baby Jesus cry), and my experiences with the Masses on campus (I'm sorry but I don't get any sense of the sacred at those Masses).  I compare these experiences with my much more positive experiences at my bleoved home parish (Saint Joan) and at the nice traditional parish I usually attend, and my study of liturgiology (can anyone say Ratzinger's The Spirit of the Liturgy?) and the Church's documents on the liturgy (IGMR and Redemptionis Sacramentum in particular).  Needless to say, but I am a liturgical purist, some would call me a "Mass Nazi" but I just ignore it or thank them for the compliment ... if being associated with Nazism in anyway could be a compliment ... : P

My experience at Mass yesterday only reinforced my somewhat cynical views on the Church in this country.  I honestly believe that the health of the Church can be gauged by her worship.  If the Mass I went to yesterday (and all preceding experiences at the parish) are to tell me anything, the future is looking bleak.

For one thing, the Missal is only followed so long as validity dictates.  What does that mean in laymen's terms?  Basically, they do enough that the Mass is valid but they do other things that are illicit.  One must remember that the validity of the Mass is the important thing.  If one attends an invalid Mass knowingly then one has not fulfilled any kind of obligation.  Licitness tends to be the thing that is thrown out the window.

Case in point, where in the IGMR does it say that we need to get up and greet the people around us?  That immediately gets my Rosary in a knot because suddenly the congregation (I hate it when they call the congregation "the assembly" ... so blech) is focused on itself rather than having the focus immediately be on Christ Who should be the center of all acts of worship be they public or private.  Another thing about the time that immediately preceding the beginning of Mass that really miffed me is that they referred to the Mass as "their liturgy."  What the heck?  Since when does the Mass belong to the people?  Sure, it's the people's worship of Christ but it is not truly ours persay.  All worship is centered on and belongs to God alone.  That is why orthopraxy is so important in the worship life of the Church.

After we were done with all the "howdy, neighbor" crap, the Mass actually began.  Of course, it was the same old Marty Haugen craptastic music made more the worship of the assembly.  You have no idea how much I want to burn just one (in a perfect world all) copies of those blasted Gather hymnals.  We have those at SJA but we don't treat them like the musical Bible.  Actually, all the music at this Mass at by Marty Haugen (who ISN'T even CATHOLIC) ... no David Haas.  I tell you, those two have done more to stupify and just plan ruin the Church's rich tradition of liturgical music than any one else.  You ask young Catholics if they can name any Church composers, they hardly ever say such names at Mozart, Byrd, or Palestrina ... Gregorian Chant ... what the heck is that?  They name the liturgical music de-composers Haugen and Haas.  *vomits*

Then we moved into the Introit and the Kyrie part of the Liturgy of the Word (Mass of Catechumens for you of the TLM persuasion).  Good Lord, first he used the episcopal greeting (Peace be with you) and then he totally mangled the Penitential Rite with some social-justice inspired Kyrie.  The absolution was valid and licit.  Then we recited the Gloria, this is more of a personal preference, but one would think that since Sunday is a solemnity, they would sing the Gloria ... they sing every other feckin' thing.  One would think that if a Gloria is required in the Mass for that day, it would be indicative that that day has a high degree of importance in the Church calendar.  I guess not.  It's rare enough to hear a chanted Pater Noster nowadays.  But anyway ...

After that part of the Mass got mangled, we heard the readings and Gospel ... all good there.  I think that was the one part of the Mass that followed as it was supposed to be.

Then came the homily, good Lord.  All right, as many of you know, this past Sunday was Respect Life Sunday or Pro-life Sunday ... very inportant this year what with the election happening this year.  Well, there was perhaps one very vague allusion to the value of life but nothing specific came of it.  He mostly went in circles about some bland social justice virtue.  He reminded us over and over about the election.  Yeah, we know that the country may or may not be in really deep s*** in four weeks if the election goes a certain way.  I don't need o be reminded of that.

One good thing did come of it though.  I got my Lauds, midmorning prayers, midafternoon prayers, and Office of Readings done with time to spare while he "preached" his homily.  This isn't even a rare occurrence.  Every Mass he has ever preached at has been like this.  Whenever there is a deacon, I always pray that he preach the homily because at least it will keep me engaged.  Thank the Lord a priest friend of mine sent me his exponentially better homily today.  His homily was centered on Proposal 2 which is moving to legalize embyronic stem cell research.  He speaks of how it alienates the child's fundamental right to life and such.  If you would like to see a copy of the homily.  I have a Word document with the text.  I can only ask that you use it for reading purposes only.  This is his work anyway.

Anywho, then came the Liturgy of the Eucharist (Mass of the Faithful), same old banal and blech Haugen crap for the Offertory.  Then came the prayers.  He did not follow ONE WORD of the Prayer over the Gifts.  NOT ONE.  Then, the Preface was all right, but I heard alterations.  I could not find it under my Sundays of Ordinary Time prefaces in my Daily Roman Missal so I assumed that it was a weekday preface.  I recognized it to an extent so I knew that there was some text before him to follow.  That was one kind of redeeming factor.

Consecration and such went pretty much verbatim so the Mass was valid, Deo gratias.  But for the Communion RIte, I will never understand why there were so many EMHCs.  All right, my home church holds over 1,000 people as we have 16 EMHCs (including the priest) who distribute Communion under both species in a relatively good amount of time depending on the crowd and the Mass.  This church may hold about a quarter to half of that and they have the same amount of people but the logistics are a bit off.  All right, I admit, this is the Master of Ceremonies in me getting flustered but ... honestly, is that necessary?  No.  The Communion Rite at Saint Joan is so much more fluid and reverent to me.  And there may a bit of favoritism but I try to analyze liturgical practice in an objective way in light of official Church practice.

After that was the usual mixture of annoucnments and Post-Communion (which btw, was not followed at all ... again!) with the people getting their parish directories with all the names of parishioners listed with all the ministries listed too.  Seriously!  Did it really need to happen DURING Mass?  Couldn't people just pick them up after Mass or even distribute them after the Mass actually ended?  Nope.  Then the "Coordinator of Ministries" comes up and explains what the books are for and gives a spiel on them.  Good Lord.  Mass is still going on!

Then Mass, finally, ended after an extra five to ten minutes gets added for other random comments.  Yet another stupid Haugen "We are Church" song for the recessional then the usual riot for the exit doors with no quiet for those who do actually like to pray after Mass.  It is always so loud after Mass there.  At the other church, I do not notice it as readily if at all.

Well, that was my rant of sorts.  I don't understand why it is so hard to "Say the black and do the red."  The Church makes it pretty easy to render right worship unto God.  Why do people like to make it so hard?  Since when are people the center of worship which I see as the prevailing mentality in the American Church.  That is not a good thing.  That is why we have such blasphemies as "Clown Masses" and the like.  There is no sense of the sacred anymore.  In a few places, it is coming back but it is going to take lots of time to undo the errors of the past thrity years.

That's about it for me.  Thank you for hearing me out.  Please feel free to comment on this.  Have a great day!

Dio ti benedica e Maria ti protegge!
-Allie

A.M.D.G.
J.M.J.

I just realized how long it has been since I posted ... try since Assumption of the BVM over a month ago.

My junior year at AQ has started and I am well into my classes what with my Patristics quad midterm being emailed to me on Friday afternoon.  I have a few paper due dates coming up fast so I will have to get down to doing those but I know it's manageable.  Dominic has come up to visit twice so far this year, which is pretty lucky.  The most recent being this past Sunday night, Monday, and Tuesday afternoon.  I got spoiled rotten and now comes the time when weeks will pass between us seeing each other again ... which sucks. I don't think I am going to have that privilege that I probably won't get too often which 'tis a shame.  Though Matt has told me that if he does not come to Homecoming then he will personally "kick his ass."

But aside from the possible ass kicking of Dom, everything is going well.  My last class for the day is my Lit and Motion Pictures tonight.  That's a fun class.  I think the prof is pretty cool and who can dislike spending class time watching movies?  I have to figure out which novel to film adaptation on which I will write my final paper for the class which is due at the end of the quad.  I want to get that done soon so I am not saving it to when I have a crap load of stuff due ... which is inevitable as my college-age friends are well-aware.  I also have to write a couple papers for my Modern Philosophy class but those usually are not that bad.  I have had the prof before and he is feckin' awesome.  Logic ... is Logic.  It can be a bit confusing, but once you get the hang of it, it can actually be quite fun to do!  Besides, as a woman I am at a natural disadvantage ... you know, what with women not having nearly as much logic in their heads as men.  All right, that was sexist but who said that I was politically correct?

I LOVE my room at Aquinata!  My suitemate kicks ass too!  I love having my own room to decorate as I will.  I can stay up late, wake up early, and play my music (usually Radio Vaticana in Italiano) as much as I want.  I don't think I will be able to do the whole roommate thing again.  Lauren and I are already talking about getting a two person apartment in the new D apartment building.  I just need to stick to the books and not break any rules ... 'cause you know I am just such a party animal!!!  Whootz!

One drawback/cool thing about Aquinata is that fact that it is a pretty active place for paranormal.  One cannot help but expect that because it used to be the nursing home for the GR OPs before they built the new one in 2005.  I would imagine a lot of sisters passed on within these walls.  For the most part, they are pretty benign or just indifferent.  If I come back to the room at night after full dark has fallen, I can usually sense the presence of one or two spirits.  I think they are nurses doing their rounds.  I have had ocassions where the shower curtain in the bathroom will move on its own when I am in there getting ready for bed.  Creepy at first but usually they just want to make their presence known.  There is one presence outside Aquinata more toward Marywood that tends to stay around the copper cupola that used to be on the roof of the Motherhouse.  Lord knows why they took it off.  Probably because it had a cross on it.  It tends to just watch anyone who walks by.  But the feeling I get is uneasy.  I don't like to get too close to it.

Then, there's the chapel.  Good Lord, there is something dark in that thing.  There are actually two presences in the chapel.  One moves from the front of where the high altar used to be to the sacristy door in the sanctuary.  If you have ever been to a Latin Mass then you know what I am talking about.  Sometimes, if I feel brave, I will stand in the doorway and look in at night.  As the automatic doors open to the chapel, I have seen ,on repeated ocassions, a small flicker of light move from the aforementioned point to the sacristy.  That is what makes me think it may be a priest saying Mass.  I can only see it at night though.  That's usually when all the fun stuff happens anyway.

What makes me so uneasy about going into that chapel even during the day?  It's the second presence that dwells in the chapel.  Something that I have sensed is much darker and possibly demonic.  Whenever I go into the chapel or even walk by the doors, I feel like it's watching me, staring through me.  I feel like I am in some form of danger.  I don't know what it's doing there but it's definitely there.  My hypothesis is that the chapel was probably empty for so long without the Sacred Presence that another presences decided to move in and take root.  Sounds crazy but it is possible.  I don't even know if He is in there yet.  If He is, He has not sanctuary lamp.  I have been looking there just to see.  They have one of those battery operated pieces of crap but I never see it on.  Besides, those don't even cut it.  There is no risk of fire with a 14-day candle if you secure it to a good sanctuary lamp holder.  The people living at Aquinata are adults don' cha' know?

Speaking of things paranormal, a couple weeks ago, some friends and I went for a ghost "hunt" around AQ.  Nothing really eventful until we got to Holmdene.  That's when all the fun started.  We got the usual bad vibes in the garden and around the back of Holmdene by the woods.  Then, we stood by the reflection pool and one of us sense something was with us.  We then used a technique using a pendulum   (my lanyard with the heavy AQ key chain on the end) to ask it questions.  We established a direction the lanyard would move for "yes" and another for "no."  We learned that the spirit was a young boy, named Michael (someone got a hunch that his name was Michael.  He had died there at the reflection pool.  We kind of assumed he drowned there but we did not ask further.  We then asked about the presences we felt behind Holmdene and in the woods.  We learned that there are more than one and that they are at least very dark spirits if not demonic.  When we asked him if he knew who they were, he said he didn't. Needless to say, we are avoiding that part of Homdene from now on.  We did tell Michael that we would be visiting him more often.  He seemed to like having us around.

Well, I think I have posted enough for now.  I think I may post one more post in a bit.  But it's more along the lines of fun than anything else.  I will save the politics and such for later when I have more time.

Dio ti benedica e Maria ti protegge per sempre!
-Allie

A.M.D.G.
J.M.J.

Just a friendly, albeit kind of late, reminder that today is the Solemnity of the Assumption of the Blessed Virgin Mary, a Holy Day of Obligation for all Catholics.  It is not too late in that many Catholic parishes (SJA included) have evening Masses the day of the HDOO.  We have one at seven o'clock.  Dom is coming down tonight so I will go with him to that Mass though I already went this morning at my usual time.  One can receive Holy Communion a maximum of twice during any given day (the only exception to that is for priests) so I will make my "quota" for the day.  There have been times when I have received thrice but only when I was assisting at Mass and I had the dispensation of Monsignor who is a kick-ass Canon Lawyer Extraordinaire.  If he says, I can do it, I can do it.  Though it does not happen too often.

This leads me to some thoughts about which I would love to hear from you, my readers ...

Why is it that many Catholics tend to have the attitude that receiving Communion is a right?  Like they are entitled to receive it no matter what.  Case in point, pro-choice "Catholic" legislators like Nancy Pelosi and John Kerry attend Mass (just fine ... a bit hypocritical though considering their legislative track records) and then have the audacity (the bad kind) to approach the altar and receive Holy Communion though they are aware that their doing so creates manifest scandal in the eyes of the faithful who tend to be faithful to the Church's holy teaching.

Number one, it is a mortal sin of sacrelige to receive Communion in anything other than the state of grace.  Not exactly the kind of "two for one" thing I would deem desirable.  Mind you, at the Confiteor (Penitential Rite) of the Mass, the priest absolves the VENIAL sins (not mortal sins) of those present who are truly contrite, which in turn, assuming one has not committed mortal sin, opens one up to the privelege of the option of receiving Communion later on in the Mass.

Number two, what does "communion" mean!?!?!  If you are not in communion with the teaching and practice of the Holy Roman Catholic Church then you should NOT be receiving Holy Communion.  The definition of the word "communion" says it all in my mind ... I don't understand what is so hard to understand about it.  It's just hard for modern people to swallow the fact that there is, in fact, such thing as actions and beliefs that are objectively right and objectively wrong.  Our world today has become so caught up in itself and all its subjectivity and relativity that it has lost its true meaning in a tidal wave of "I'm okay, you're okay" bull-crap.

Number three, why do we, flawed sinful persons that we are, feel that WE have the power to determine that WE have the power to give ourselves the privelege of receiving the Savior of the World in Holy Communion eventhough He has already stated through His Church otherwise?  Basically, since when is man God?  In modern times, man = god = source of "truth."

Do we have some sort of power over the revelation of God to the Church?  If so, why did I not get the memo?  You know why not?  Because we do not have such a power!  I think that if we were truly aware of WHO we were recieving at Mass, we would lay prostrate before Him and be shaking with holy fear as we boldly approached His true and glorious majesty.  I don't think for a moment anyone but the BVM would approach with a truly pure heart, mind and soul.  We are all fallen and sinful ... totally unworthy of this great GIFT.  And yet we still appraoch, really really unworthy, and commit such a grieveous sacrilege in the name of "habit" and/or in the belief that it is the right of every Catholic (let alone non-Catholics) to recieve Communion.

One thing that really blows my mind about Christ is that He is well aware of our fallen state and yet still offers us a chance to be one with Him in beautifully perfect sense.

People don't like it when they are excluded from something especially when it is their own fault.  If you want the PRIVELEGE of receiving Communion then straighten up your ways and return to the right teaching and right practice of the Church.  Don't blame the Church's "out-dated" and "closed-minded" teaching on YOUR inability to straighten up and fly right.  Remember, the Church has been around for over two-thousand years ... you will be here for eighty, if you are lucky.  Remember, the Church is ever ancient and ever new ... and don't for get perfect.  She can NEVER be out-dated.  Only her members in their fallen nature that is so open to the fallacy-ridden temperment of the times is out-dated and imperfect.

To me, all of this crap is not just because of the whole general theological scandal going on in the naves of our churches.  It also has to do with what goes on in our sanctuaries.  The Mass is being assaulted daily by those who wish to make it almost entirely some communal meal rather than what it really is which is a unbloody rendering of the Sacrifice of Christ on Calvary.  If Mass is said properly, one should be able to at least get the idea that it is there that we are able to stand with Mary at the foot of the Cross and only begin to understand the great salvific power of Christ's ultimate sacrifice.

Instead, nowadays, many faithful Catholics are being assaulted by David Haas/Marty Haugen (who isn't even Catholic)/etc. music that is so neutral and banal that it would cause Pope Saint Gregory the Great to spin in his lead coffin.  Not just the music but the attitude.  Now, instead of the Holy Sacrifice of the Mass, we have the "Holy Communal Meal" where "all are welcome."  And don't even get me started on the lousiness of the English translation of the Latin editio typica of the Mass.  Good Lord.  All I have to say to that is pro multis does not mean "for all" otherwise it would be pro omnis.  Pro multis = for MANY.  Christ Himself realized that not everyon was going to accept His redeeming message of love (such is the human condition of selfishness and coldness to truth) so He may as well save those who do believe in His redeeming message.

Ever since the post-VII reforms of the Mass, the Liturgy has become what it is today in many parishes.  This has caused many of the faithful to have the aformentioned state of mind.  Before all of the reforms, people were much more reverent and faithful to their Church and her teaching and practice.  After the reforms, Mass attendance plummeted and vocations crashed violently.  You cannot say that this does not have a connection to the lack of orthodoxy, orthopraxy and general reverence in the actions and choices of not just the faithful but of the clergy too especially pertaining to the Mass.  You just cannot.  I read somewhere that the health of the Church can be gauged in a sense by how she worships her God.  You can see the health of many local parishes and dioceses just by attending Mass there.  If the Mass is orthodox and reverent then it is probably a community of faithful ready to defend their faith and their Church.  If the Mass is haphazard and just plain irreverent, then it may be big but the belief in the true teachings of the Church is probably weak and they may even have a contempt for the "closed-minded-ness" of the Church.

Here is a non sequitur perhaps ... if you don't agree with the teachings of the Church and find them to "cramp your style" and you are not willing to open your heart to them ... why do you bother remaining Catholic?  Remember, when BXVI spoke in his homily not too long after his coronation as Pope, he said that the Church may be smaller but it will be stronger.  Catholicism is for anyone who is truly open to Truth.  If you are not, then either reform or good luck to you.

Some may call me "closed-minded" and "too conservative" and all that other malarcky but sum qui sum, "I am who I am."  I believe whole-heartedly that the Catholic Church is the only true way through which one can attain salvation.  Now, before you all start condemning me and citing interminable amounts of Church teaching which proves me wrong.  Let me just say that I believe in Extra Ecclesiam Nulla Salus in the sense of the Church.  Not in the sense of some over-zealous Dominican or Jesuit in the mid-fifties Church (though the Church remains the same thorough time).  I mean it in the sense that if one is fully aware that Christ established the Catholic Church as the means through which man can attain salvation and still rejects it ... then I would have to say his odds of ultimate salvation are pretty slim.  Now, if one, for no fault of their own, is not aware of this eternal truth but still lives their live oriented to some ultimate truth and good, I would have to say their odds are better than the other person.  I am an orthodox Catholic because I find comfort in objective truth and the Source of that Truth is Jesus Christ Who is God.  This truth is dispensed of properly only through the Holy Spirit's movements in the Holy Roman Catholic Church.

All right, I will get off my Papist mackeral snapper soapbox.  If I offended anyone, I am truly sorry for that.  But I am NOT sorry for what I believe wholeheartedly.

Now, get your ass to Mass ... if you haven't already!

Dio ti benedica e Maria ti protegge per sempre!
-Allie

A.M.D.G.
J.M.J.

I think most Catholics are aware of the dearth in priests and priestly vocations not just around the world but in the US.  But I am also sure that not many of them are aware that there is a way to pray for priestly vocations with them!  If you are wondering, "Allie, how is that ever possible?"  And I say, "It is very possible when you look at what I have for your consideration ..."

The seminarians are Sacred Heart Major Seminary in Detroit, Michigan (my future grad school, hopefully) released a CD not too long ago where they pray all the Mysteries of the Holy Rosary (including the Luminous Mysteries) for priestly vocations.  Mind you, SHMS seminarians don't just come from the Archdiocese of Detroit.  They come from all the dioceses in Michigan, including Grand Rapids and from around the country and word, including one from the Eparchy of Saint Thomas.

I own the CD myself and have it on my iTunes and iPod.  The seminarians are very prayerful and the background music is very conducive to prayer.  By the way, the organist is Dr. Ron Prowse, who used to be our Minister of Music over at my home parish of Saint Joan of Arc in Saint Clair Shores.  Here is a link to the description along with some sample clips of the mysteries being said by the seminarians.

You can use the order form provided for purchase if you wish or I can get it for you through my parish.  The donation for the CD is ten dollars plus two dollars if you want it shipped from the seminary.  If you so choose to purchase this CD know that you are doing your part in praying for and helping seminarians, both present and future, achieve their God-given goal of attaining the awesome gift of priestly ordination.  Also remember, for every bit you do for the seminarians, you get definite reutrn because seminarians are trained to be priests who can serve you and the rest of the people of God in the way that God has called them.

All right, I just figured I would put that out for your consideration.  Perhaps I can begin to showcase Catholic items of interest that some may be interested in purchasing or putting on a gift list.  I know I have to showcase my new four-volume Divine Office ... I lovez my Breviary!

Have a great day everybody!

Dio ti benedica e Maria ti protegge per sempre!
-Allie

A.M.D.G.
J.M.J.

Well, it's less than two weeks until I move back up to AQ.  I am starting to get ready for that by compiling a list of things I need to do and get before I head back to school.  I mostly just have to do some large loads of laundry, go shopping to replenish my supplies, and clean up my mess that I have in my room.  I am looking forward to it but it's the whole moving up thing that gets me.  Once I am up at school, I get acclimated rather well.  I am looking forward to the party my friends and I are having at the beginning of the school year.

Anywho, one of my friends from high school wrote a note about a week or so ago about "saving it until marriage."  After reading her note which did not err in one way or another, I noted the overwhelming critique of this important moral issue.  I noticed that a lot of the almost all female responders said that it really didn't matter.  They tried to day that everyone does it anyway so what is the point of saving it until marriage?  They seemed, in my analysis, to treat sex as something you just do with someone you really "love" or "care about."  At least one treated sex as something used exclusively to assuage an "animalistic" need.  Something that we need to do because it is a biological drive.  Some tried to justify pre-marital relations as an excuse to gauge the partner for their abilities so as to prevent "unhappiness" in the marriage bed.  Over and over I kept seeing the weak justification that "everyone is doing it, I may as well do it."  One would think that young people who are of college-age would have enough sense to get beyond the "everyone else is doing  it" defense for immoral behavior.

My take on the issue is very straight forward.  Sex is to be saved until after one is married.  And after one is married, sexual union is to be shared only between spouses.  By the way, marriage is the sacramental union of one MAN and one WOMAN.  The marital act is to be an exclusive self-giving between the spouses that is to soldify that union that began on their wedding day.  That whole "worry" about "satisfaction" with one's partner that "justifies" pre-marital sex is a load of crap.  To me, the fact that one is with that person to whom you have pledged your whole life to be faithful and true should be satisfaction enough.  The fact that this is the one person with whom you have chosen to unify yourself in such an intimately near-perfect way should be satisfaction enough.  Besides, sometimes "satisfaction"can sometimes mean "willingness to do certain things that should not be done whether married or not."  One needs to keep in mind that there is such thing as marital chastity or marital continence.

Another thing that bothered me about the contemporary mentality about sexuality is the fact that sex is all right so long as you wear protection.  Good Lord, how dense are people!?!?!  What message do you think that conveys.  Many would have you think that that is a way of showing that you care enough to protect the other from disease and "unwanted" pregnancy.  To me, the Church and many chastity speakers, contraceptives of any form tell the person that "I am willing to have sex with you and have all of the corporal pleasures of it.  But when it comes to the other aspect of this act, the procreative, I would rather not risk it."  My Lord, that is like basically turning the person into a sexual object.  All the person wants is the physical sensation that comes with genital intercourse.  The fact that one wears or uses any kind of contraceptive only puts one into a "contraceptive mentality" that makes one think that there is such thing as "sex without consequence."  All I have to say to that is, "If you are not married and are not ready to have children, then do not have sex."  I am sick and tired of people villifing "unprotected sex" as a dangerous mistake that will only breed (no pun intended) more "problems" like diseases or pregnancy.

When I commented on this friend's note I also brought up the fact that sex is not a right nor a recreational activity nor something you do with someone you "love" or "care about" with whom you have been for like six months without any marital bond.  Sex is a gift.  Sex is a mutual self-gift.  Sex in its purest form is the greatest act of selflessness that a spouse can do for another besides the obvious of giving one's life up for that person.  Don't let Planned Parenthood, or any of those other pro-death/unlimited license agenda pushers tell you that there is no bond created between to persons who engage in the conjugal act.  The saying "you never forget your first" has some truth to it.  That first time you share sexual union with someone, there is a special bond that is created between the two partners.  No matter what happens, one will never get that feeling again.  Once one has had sex for the first time, there is no repeating the feeling.  Now, I am not saying that myself have had sex, because I have not, but by what some friends have told me, it is very true.  In fact, many people come to regret their choice in NOT waiting.  I also believe that there is a statistic somewhere that after an unmarried couple has had sex, their odds of breaking up are not just increased, they are also sped up.  I believe somewhere I read that if an unmarried couple has sex, the average amount of time the relationship lasts thereafter is about three weeks.

One last thing that I think should be brought up, if it hasn't already been.  Namely, sex is meant to be the consummation of the marital bond created at the wedding of a husband and wife.  To have sex outside that bond is to abuse the gift and to not be able to enjoy it fully.  It also opens one up to a lot of possible heartbreak and trouble.  And when I say "enjoy" I do not merely mean the physical sensation that comes with orgasm and things like clitoral stimulation.  No, I am talking about the "spiritual" and "supernatural" experience that comes with unifying one's self so totally with another person.  The marital act is meant to be like a bit of heaven on Earth.  It is meant to be like the union between Christ and His Church.

Sex is not meant to be a selfish act of self-gratification.  Sex is to always be treated as a selfless act of sacrifice.  Sex is not just something you do with someone you "care about."  Sex is something you do with someone with whom you have an eternal bond of fidelity and honesty.  Do you really think that just because one uses a condom or contraception means that you don't have a history?  Those things are not fool-proof.  In fact, they fail on many ocassions.  Which in turn have been seen to lead to something on which I hope to post soon ... abortion.  *cues dramatic music*

Well, I will get off my soap box now.  I just figured I would write this and get my opinion on the matter heard.

Also, to that person who says that everyone has sex now before they are married, I say ... not true.  I know many young people who have promised to save themselves until marriage.  And no, it is not stupid and no, it is not unhealthy.  It is perfectly natural and if anything, healthful.

Dio ti benedica e Maria ti protegge per sempre!
-Allie

A.M.D.G.
J.M.J.

At work today I looked at the calendar and realized that it was July 28th.  I just could not believe it.  It seemed like I just got done with my Physical Geography of Michigan final was packing the last of my things in my parents' car and leaving GR for the wonderfulness that is metro Detroit.  I was all excited about going back to SJA and doing my internship.  I was looking forward to being able to see Dominic more often.  I was looking forward to being able to wake up in my own bed on my own schedule.  Damn.  It's just hard to believe that all of that is for all intents and purposes is basically over.  To me, summer break ends as soon as August 1st hits.  The last liturgical hurrah is the Solemnity of the Assumption of the Most Blessed Virgin Mary.  Hopefully I will be able to serve one of those Masses.  I love Marian feast days!

I do have to say that the whole going back to school thing is a mixed bag.  I am more than looking forward to living in a single room and sharing a suite with Lauren.  I am looking forward to a new school year with all of its new successes and challenges.  I am looking forward to seeing all of my awesome friends.  I am also looking forward to having a chapel readily available for me to go into in order to pray my Divine Office.  All I need to do is make sure that that sanctuary lamp (the real wax candle ... not that battery operated crap) stays lit.  Another thing, I love the fact that Aquinata is all-female.  For a girl who went to a all-girls' high school ... it's like second nature.  I actually miss the environment.  No more stupid drunk boys in the halls at weird hours of the night!  Yay!  I just hope I don't find any prophylactics (used or otherwise) in the elevator or the stairwells.  There is enough of that crap going on as it is.  I am also very happy to know that many of my favorite people are living at Aquinata!!!  Yayz!!!  I am looking forward to that quite a lot!  And lest I forget, I must always remember the mighty, mighty BAMF which will convey its passengers to places academic and otherwise ... perhaps I will go to a NECTO night.  Also, when I turn 21, I am looking forward to nights spent with a good theology book (preferably of the Ratzinger persuasion) and a nice cold Mike's.  Yeah.  That's nice.  : )

But there are also some things I am not looking forward to too much.  I am not looking forward to not being able to go to SJA everyday for morning Mass and seeing the parish that has really become my second family.  I am going to miss that big beautiful church that I am privileged to call my second home.  I am going to miss dark rainy nights spent sitting in my pew (yes, I have my own spot in church) and praying with my eyes affixed on the gorgeous golden mosaic as the moonlight shimmers faintly on its tiles and the red sanctuary lamp flickers in the darkness by the main altar.  I am going to miss working at SJA and all of the great people I work with especially Monsignor and Sister Carol.  I am going to miss being at home and seeing my family.  Yes, I do love my family.  There are some people I know that do not but they may or may not have their own reasons.  I am not looking forward to not being able to see Dominic as often as I have been this summer.  That may help me with my vocation discernment but it will still suck to not be able to see him.  No matter how long or how many phone conversations one may have with someone, it is always much better to see them in person.  Just in general, I am not looking forward to the homesickness that hits no matter how many times or how long I have been at AQ.  One has to understand that my roots go very deep here at home and for me to be separated from those roots is something I do not usually enjoy.  But I do have to say that the homesickness has worn off.  But I do still miss being at home.

But, damn, it feels like I was just working at Festival in mid-May counting money and answering phones.  Time goes by too darn fast.

I am sorry if that was one long bitch and moan rant but I kinda needed it so thank you for bearing with my lame whiny self.

In other news ...

I got my headphones today ... I love them!!!  So much better than my old ones!

Also, I was wondering if anyone knew when they were moving back to AQ for the school year?  I myself am moving in on August 20th, or whatever that Thursday is.  My brother is getting married that weekend so I have to get my crap in line before then.  Luckily, I probably won't have to deal with the massive crowds as I did when I lived on campus.  My parents and future sister-in-law are going to help me move in!!!  Yayz!  I am not sure about Dominic yet.  I think I will only see him for the wedding that weekend.  Which will suck in a way because that will be the last time I will see him before Labor Day probably.  At least he will be in a suit.  *drools all over keyboard*

On the bright side, he is coming down this weekend for a picnic that my family has with a few friends of ours on Sunday.  If I am lucky, he will be able to come down on Saturday night!  Yay!!!

All right.  I have to go get ready for bed.  Gotta get ready then say my Office for the evening and night.  I have Mass and then work in the morning.  After that, I have to go to the funeral home.  The mother of the "secretary" of the SJA Festival passed away on Saturday and after that is the funeral.  Monsignor is leading it so it will be nice. 

Buonanotte, care amici!  Dio ti benedica e Maria ti protegge per sempre!
-Allie